


when i look into your eyes it's like watching the night sky (or a beautiful sunrise)

by MarsBar2019



Series: I won't give up [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (mentioned) - Freeform, Discussion of Abortion, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, F/M, Houston they're in LOVE, Hurt/Comfort, Menstruation, POV Jester Lavorre, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vomiting, no beta we die like men, not graphic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:53:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27978405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarsBar2019/pseuds/MarsBar2019
Summary: (AN: This fic is set three years after the events of the previous entry in this series. The events of that fic establish the relationship, and this is a continuation, but it isn't necessary to have read that work to understand this one).Jester wasn't expecting it, but now she's expecting, and she and Caleb have to navigate the big decisions and changes that come along with that, for themselves, their relationship and their (growing) little family of misfits.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Series: I won't give up [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2049192
Comments: 91
Kudos: 140





	1. well there's so much they hold

**Author's Note:**

> This is purely self-indulgent fluff, and yes, I'm writing two fics at once because I have no self-control and someone put the worm in my ear to write this. Genuinely, for once, we're probably not earning an E rating at any point. I know, it's off brand. I could be persuaded otherwise.

Jester woke up gradually, as the morning light gently brushed her eyelids, she began to become aware of the soft sheets surrounding her, the smell of coffee wafting up from downstairs, the sound of Caleb’s steady breathing in her ear and his warmth next to her. One part of Jester wanted to sink back into the soft embrace of sleep, the other wanted to get up and start her day. It was pretty unusual for her to be sluggish in the morning but she hadn’t slept well. Jester kissed Caleb on the forehead and rolled over to get out of bed, but that roused him and he pulled her back in.

“G’morning,” Caleb mumbled, still half asleep.

“Morning,” she said with a smile, kissing him again. “What time is it?”

“8:57.”

“Oh, shit, we slept late.”

“Mmm.” Caleb nuzzled against the back of her shoulder and held her against him with an arm around her hips.

“C’mon, baby, we have to get up,” Jester sighed.

“Didn’t I get up for you last night? You want it this morning too?”

“The phrase is ‘get _it_ up’,” Jester giggled.

 _“Was_?” Caleb yawned.

“In Common. The phrase you’re looking for is get it up, not get up.”

“ _Ja, ja, das ist mir Wurst_. I’m not awake yet.”

“Okay, well _I’m_ going downstairs to get some coffee.” Caleb’s eyes opened wide, definitely awake now, as Jester dragged herself out of bed and started getting dressed.

“Now I’m certain I’m not awake. _You’re_ drinking coffee?”

“I have it sometimes!” Jester scoffed, fighting a yawn. “It’s fine if you put lots of sugar in it.”

“You didn’t sleep well, _Liebling_?”

“I guess not. I was really hot, I woke up a few times.” Caleb sat up and reached out for her.

“Do you feel sick?” he asked, holding the back of his hand up to her forehead. “You’re warm.”

“Maybe I’m coming down with something,” Jester said, shrugging. “I’ll talk to Caduceus if I start to feel yucky. I’m okay for now.”

When she got downstairs, her friends were around the kitchen table, but they’d mostly finished their breakfasts and were nursing second cups of coffee, reading, journaling, looking through the mail.

“Oh, Jester, you’re up,” Yasha said. “We weren’t sure if you were coming down.”

“Yeah, I don’t know what got into me,” Jester said, yawning again. “I’m super tired. I was really hot last night, so I guess I didn’t sleep too well. Was anyone else hot?” Yasha, Beau and Veth all looked around at each other and shook their heads. Jester shrugged and poured herself a cup of coffee with three heaping spoonfuls of sugar. “Maybe I’m just getting a cold or something.”

“Or your period,” Caduceus called from the kitchen. “You all have it right now, don’t you?”

“Cad!” Veth exclaimed. “Not in front of Fjord, he’s delicate.” Fjord peered up at her from the letter he was reading, unamused.

“Am I, Veth?”

“Yes, very delicate. Can’t talk about blood and lady business in front of Fjord.” Fjord shook his head and very decidedly went back to his reading. “Anyway, yeah, Jessie, could be that.” It _was_ the right time, and the four of them were all synced up at this point. Jester shook her head.

“No, I don’t think so. I got mine early.”

“Oh, really?” Veth asked, furrowing her brow.

“Yeah, it was weird, it was like two weeks before I was supposed to and it was just for a couple days. But maybe that was just a fluke and I’ll get it again, who knows?”

“Hmm.” Veth stared at her for a minute, with that same puzzled expression, but didn’t say anything else.

~~~

Over the course of the next week, Jester became convinced she was coming down with a bug. The bone-deep fatigue continued, and she attributed it to her poor sleep. Every night for the past six nights, she’d woken Caleb with all her tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable, kicking the quilts off the bed. And then this morning, she woke up and immediately ran to the bathroom, barely making it before retching up whatever remained in her stomach from the night before.

As soon as she felt sure she wasn’t going to puke again, she marched up to the tower to find Caduceus and pounded on his door.

“Caduceus! I need your help!” The firbolg opened the door right away; characteristically, he’d been up since the sun rose, and Jester knew she wasn’t waking him.

“What’s wrong?”

“I feel really shitty, I have this fever and my stomach is bothering me, and I’m exhausted. I tried a cure disease spell on myself and it didn’t help. Is there a tea or something you can give me so at least I don’t feel so bad until it passes?”

“Well, let’s see if we can’t get down to the root cause.”

Caduceus waved Jester over to a bench near where he kept his plants and all the supplies he used to make his tea blends. She sat down with a huff, still in her nightgown, and crossed her arms. Caduceus was silent as he felt her forehead - he agreed she was warm - listened to her heartbeat, peered into her throat, looking for spots or swelling. His frown deepened as he failed to find a cause for Jester’s discomfort, and she was starting to feel, for the first time, very anxious. If it wasn’t something a cure disease spell could fix, was it something really serious? Something failing in her body that wasn’t really a disease that could be cured? Like was her spleen going to explode? She didn’t feel _that_ sick, but what would cause these symptoms that wasn’t an illness?

“I’m gonna ask you to do something kind of weird for me,” Caduceus said, sitting on his haunches and looking into Jester’s eyes.

“Caduceus, you know we can’t, Cayleb would be devastated.” Caduceus looked confused for a moment and then laughed heartily.

“Oh, that was a good one. Yeah, not that. Take this-“ he held out a small stone bowl with a tangle of petals and twigs in the bottom. “Pee on it, and bring it back to me.” Jester raised an eyebrow.

“I know what this is, Caduceus, I grew up in a brothel. There’s no way, I take a tincture for that. It’s not that.” Even as she said it, uncertainty started to well up in Jester’s throat. _Are you really, really sure there’s no way?_

“Humor me,” Caduceus said firmly, pressing the bowl into her hands. “I’ll wait.” The two clerics were silent for a moment as the tiny fragment of possibility began to expand inside Jester, the slight, one in a million, who could really be sure anything was one hundred percent, impossible chance. Her mouth felt bone dry, but she nodded.

With unsteady legs, Jester went behind the tree that sat atop the tower of their home and squatted down, waiting, willing something to come from her body, quickly, so she could rule this out and be done with it. She was really, really rooting for the exploding spleen scenario now. When she finished, she brought the bowl back to Caduceus, and dropped back into her seat, numb. He silently handed her a mug of tea and turned back to his workbench, heating the bowl with his hands and drying the herbs back out.

“You’re nervous,” he said quietly. Jester took a shaky sip. Nervous felt laughably understated, but she nodded. He turned to look at her.

“Whatever happens here-“ he gestured to the stone bowl “-is between us. I promise.”

“Thanks, Caduceus,” Jester whispered through a throat choked with threatening tears.

“I love you and Caleb both very much. But if this is what it is…this is something happening in _your_ body, and you get to call the shots about your body. I’m here for you. To talk, or if you need something from me.”

He looked at her meaningfully and Jester nodded again, the love she had for her friend powerful in that moment. She already knew that she wouldn’t, if this was it. At least not without talking to Caleb. Even if she decided that was what she wanted, she at least had to tell him.

Once the herbs were dry, Caduceus set the edge of one of the leaves alight, and it began to curl and smoke, the flame winding along its veins until it found purchase in the nest of herbs. At first, the smoke was wispy, light gray, exactly what Jester expected, and she started to breathe out a sigh of relief. And then, lavender smoke, traitorous and thick, rose in the air, and Jester thought she might vomit again. When her brain started working, Caduceus was sitting on the floor next to her, pouring more tea into her mug.

“Holy. Fucking. Shit. Caduceus. How could this happen?! I - I take contraception! I had my period like two weeks ago! I mean it was short but…” She threw her hands up.

“Just a few days right? And light?”

“Yeah? But it was still a period!” Caduceus shrugged.

“Maybe not. Sometimes a little bleeding is part of it.” Jester felt dizzy and put her head between her knees. Caduceus put a hand on her back. “How are you feeling?” Jester took a deep breath.

“Overwhelmed.” Caduceus nodded.

“I think that’s to be expected. I take it this wasn’t planned.”

“Pelor’s balls, no. But…I mean, we’ve talked about it.” She tapped her foot nervously. “The idea makes me…happy. But I’m really fucking scared. And I don’t know if it’s _smart_. Which is a whole other thing.” They were both lost in thought, sipping tea in companionable silence.

“Do you want my advice?”

“Yes,” she mumbled into her teacup.

“I have two things that might help you. First is, you have time. Eleven months is a long time. You can get ready for a lot of things in eleven months. The second is, you have a family here to help you. The question of whether it’s smart sounds like a question about logistics. That can be solved. So take that question off your plate and focus on what you want. We’re here for you. Okay?”

“Thanks, Caduceus.”

_Knock knock knock._

“Mister Clay? Have you seen Jester? I think she’s not well.” Jester’s heart dropped into her stomach and soared at the same time.

“You have some things to talk about. When you’re ready. We’ll be here.” He put a large, comforting hand on Jester’s shoulder. “Yeah, Caleb, she’s with me.”

“Oh, good. Um. Can I come in?”

“Yes,” Caduceus and Jester said simultaneously. When she saw his face, the sweet smile that lit up when he met her eyes, the tears threatened again. Caleb took in the scene and saw Jester in her nightgown, tear tracks on her cheeks, sitting next to the workbench where Caduceus made his various salves and potions and worry creased his forehead.

“I’m going to go work in the garden for a little while,” Caduceus announced. He patted Caleb on the shoulder with a heavy hand. “Nothing to worry about.” Jester watched him leave and Caleb looked at her, questioning.

“Are you alright, _Schatz_? I woke up when you ran out this morning, but then you didn’t come back for a while and I got worried. Just up early?”

“Um. No,” Jester started, her voice trembling already. “I wasn’t feeling well.” Caleb sat down on the bench next to her and took her hand.

“Jester, what’s wrong? Are you ill? If it’s something Caduceus cannot fix, or you, I will talk to Essek, I’m certain he knows the best healers in the city and can get you an appointment to see one. Whatever it is, you’ll be better in no time, _ja_?” Jester coughed out a laugh at that, tears already choking her throat again.

“I threw up this morning.” Caleb waited for her to continue but she didn’t.

“O…kay?”

“Like I woke up feeling really sick. In the morning.” He waited again.

“…Right.”

“And I’ve been warm.” He just looked at her. _Please don’t make me say that word. I don’t want to say it yet._

“…Because you have a fever.”

“And I’m supposed to be finishing my period right now and I’m not. I missed my period, Cayleb. And I woke up this morning with nausea. Sickness. In the morning.”

She spotted it on his face the second that quick mind put the pieces together. Caleb just stared at her, openmouthed, and then he took her face in his hands and kissed her fiercely, his breath shaky. Jester could feel tears on her cheeks and had no way of knowing who they belonged to.

“You’re pregnant.” She nodded mutely. Caleb smiled and whispered it again, like he didn’t quite believe it yet. “You’re _pregnant_.”

A giddy, hysterical laugh burst out of Jester’s chest and she wrapped her arms around him, so tight she thought he might break.

“Yes,” she sniffled, burying her face in his shoulder. “Yeah, I am.”

“Oh, _Jester_ …” Caleb’s voice was watery and uneven. “Jester, I love you so much, I’m so _happy_.” She didn’t respond for a moment and he pulled back and searched her face, and finding something else in her expression. “I know we didn’t…expect this.”

“I don’t know how I feel yet,” she blurted. The tide of thoughts was unstoppable now, and while there was nobody else who understood her so well, who she wanted to consult when she felt unsteady, she knew this was precarious for him too, and she hoped desperately that he understood her reservations.

“I’m happy too, I really am, and I’m also scared fucking shitless, and I just feel like - like not _yet_ , we shouldn’t do this _yet_ , and I’m not ready, and we’re not ready, and, and we’re not even married, and I want this so badly and I don’t want it at all. I’m just…I’m overwhelmed.”

Caleb drew her in and held her against his chest and she let out a broken sob. Jester released it, every ounce of fear and joy and love that had been rising in her ribcage like a drowning tide, she spilled it out and let him carry it with her. Caleb didn’t say anything, he only held her and stroked her back; that was how he always was, and she loved that about him. Caleb never made her feel like she needed to stop crying, or put on a smile she didn’t mean, or that she was bringing him down with her negative emotions. _You’re held. You’re safe. You’re loved._ His arms communicated that louder than words and eventually, Jester felt herself pulling back together, her sobs came slower and softer until they were hardly more than whimpers. She was wrung out, but she was calm; the thick fog was replaced by clarity.

“How do _you_ feel?” Jester whispered, her voice small. She pulled away so she could look him in the eye and took both his hands in hers. Caleb wiped a few errant tears off her cheeks and sighed.

“I’m everything you just said. Thrilled, and terrified, and so, so in love with you. Ready and not ready at all. I feel like…I would honor your choice, if you decided you, or we, are not ready. But I feel like…we have some time. To make a decision, or nine months to get ready.”

“Eleven months,” she murmured.

“Ah, _ja_ , you’re right, for tieflings it’s a bit longer. That’s almost a year. We can’t wait that long to make a decision, but we can take that time to prepare. Caduceus…?”

“Isn’t going to tell anyone.”

“ _Ja_ , good, I figured. So let’s let the dust settle a bit. Give us some time to get used to the idea. Think about it, talk about it some more. You are what, six weeks along?”

“At most.” Caleb nodded. He cupped the back of Jester’s neck in his palm and leaned in to kiss her forehead.

“Jester, you know I love you more than anything in this world. No matter what happens, I’m not going anywhere. You know that, _ja_? We’re a team.” Jester held up one hand, pinky out, and he smiled at her and hooked his little finger in hers.

“I love you too, Cayleb.” He kissed her again.

“Do you want to go back to bed? You haven’t been sleeping well…”

“You’re not allowed to start fretting over me now,” Jester warned, her amused smile belying her sincerity. Caleb grinned sheepishly.

“I wasn’t aware I stopped. But really, you haven’t been sleeping, go take a nap. The world will be here when you get up.”

“Okay,” she mumbled, wiping her nose on her nightgown sleeve. “Okay, I will. Yeah. I’m tired.”

When she awoke, she was surprised how normal everything felt. Same bed, same room she shared with Caleb, same house, same sounds of her friends going about their days. Her same hands inspected her same body. There was no hint of her new tenant; her womb was firm when she pressed on it, but she wouldn’t have even noticed if she wasn’t looking. Nothing was different and everything was.

Jester went out to the garden, where Caduceus was still working. He greeted her with a wave and a lazy smile, and she smiled wearily back as she went to the tree in the yard with the big root that made a perfect, comfortable seat. She closed her eyes and breathed in the buttery, nutty smell wafting from the kitchen, where Veth was baking. The sounds and smells of her home, her family. Jester opened her book and turned to a blank page.

_To Whom It May Concern:_

_(You know who you are)_

_I don’t like you very much right now. It’s very rude, you know, to show up as an unannounced guest at someone’s house, let alone inside their body. I didn’t plan for this, I didn’t expect it, and right now I’m mad at you for making me make a choice about it. I mean, it’s not like I even got to decide to try_ ~~ _to get_ ~~ _for this, you just showed up and now my choice is kind of made for me._

_It isn’t, not really, I know you’re not even really anything yet, and it would be easy to say, I’m not ready for this, take a potion and be done with it. If it happened by accident, I can’t imagine it’d be hard to do it on purpose when we’re ready. I’m still thinking about it, mind you._

_We also live a pretty dangerous life, you know, so it’s not personal. I don’t think we can give you the kind of life you deserve. You’d have to stay with your grandma a lot and I wouldn’t be around all the time, and neither would your dad. That doesn’t seem super fair to you. I grew up without my dad and that was kind of easier than I think it would’ve been having him there only sometimes. Maybe in the future when we’re all settled down and done with this adventuring stuff we could be good parents._

_And really, whose fault is that?! You didn’t even ask, you just showed up!_

_I guess I kind of did that to my mama too. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree._

_It’s not that I don’t love you, little invader. I mean, I don’t know you really, so that seems silly to say, but I love the idea of you. I want to have kids. I want kids with Caleb. But you really caught me by surprise and I’m really scared of everything you being here might mean. More on that another time, when I can articulate it all. So don’t take it personally. My head’s messy right now. Just know you’re on notice, so try not to make me puke anymore. It’ll help get me on your side here._

_Respectfully yours,_

_Jester Lavorre_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Das ist mir Wurst" = lit. "this is sausage to me", used to mean "whatever" / express indifference.
> 
> If anyone was wondering (narrator: nobody was), the bleeding Jester mistook for an early period is pretty common. When a fertilized egg implants into the uterine lining, lots of people experience very light spotting and cramping, which is often mistaken for a light period. #themoreyouknow
> 
> Kudos and comments feed the author's bottomless need for creative validation and generate new chapters.


	2. and just like them old stars, I see you’ve come so far (to be right where you are)

Jester was so tired that night, she slept even through her sweating and discomfort. She slept naked, even a nightgown trapping too much heat, and went to bed early with the window open and all the quilts pushed over to Caleb’s side. When she eventually woke up, he was already awake, on his side, just looking at her. Based on the shadows under his eyes, he hadn’t slept well. Wordlessly, Jester rolled over and curled against his chest, drawing into the soft safety that always comforted her. Neither of them said anything for a long while.

“I think I want to go see my Mama,” she whispered finally. Caleb kissed the top of her head.

“When? Today? I can take you.”

“I should check with her first, maybe tomorrow? I kind of want to stay a little while, maybe two or three days. I don’t know, maybe I won’t feel that way when I’m there. I just have a lot in my head. I want to talk to her.”

“I’ll prepare the spell today anyway, if you change your mind,” he murmured against her hair.

“Thanks, Cayleb. I think maybe tomorrow would be better because we should see if Veth wants to come see her family. I feel like if we just rush off to Nicodranas today it’ll invite a lot of questions.”

“ _Ja_ , you’re right. Let’s ask her then.” Jester pulled away from him, already too hot to cuddle anymore. She hated that. At least she wasn’t vomiting, but the only thing she wanted when her heart was so unsettled was to feel his arms around her, to bury her face in his chest and breathe in the spicy scent of the soap he favored. _You can’t even let me do that? Fucker._

“How are you feeling?” Caleb asked, taking her hand. She scoffed.

“Physically or emotionally?”

“Both.”

“Physically, just hot. Not nauseous today. Emotionally? Gods, I don’t fucking know. Still reeling. What about you, you look like you didn’t sleep?”

“I didn’t sleep much,” he admitted. “My mind just kept going. I had a lot of time for thinking though.” Panic gripped Jester around the throat again. She tried to keep her face neutral and snuggled as close as she could tolerate.

“Want to share?” Jester mumbled. He smiled apologetically.

“Not really. Just a lot of…shit. Worrying, worrying, worrying. You know how I get sometimes.”

“What are you worrying about?” she prodded, gentle, but she wanted him to talk. No sense in either of them keeping any cards off the table right now. Caleb sighed and kissed her forehead.

“Everything. From the foolish to the very real. I went around in circles thinking that you might die, or what if they come when we’re on the road, in the middle of something dangerous… Or wondering if, with everything we’ve been through, exposed to strange magics, nearly dying, if that would mean that they would be messed up, somehow, and not able to live a good life…or what if _I_ did something to harm them-“

“What?” Jester laughed incredulously, propping herself up on one arm. “Did something? Like what?”

“Like, I spent at least two hours last night trying to remember every spell I cast in the past six weeks. I handle all kinds of components that, who knows if they’re safe for them? Things that, if we were _trying_ I _never_ would’ve put anywhere near you, but… What if I threw a fireball and got sulfur all over my hands and then, and then later that night we made love, and what if I got some on you? That can’t be good-“

“Okay, okay, Cayleb,” Jester said sternly, taking his face in both hands. She really wasn’t trying to make fun of him, but she couldn’t help a smile. “Look at me. I say this with the utmost love for you in my heart. You sound like a lunatic.”

“… _Ja,_ okay, you may have a point.” Caleb smiled at her, embarrassed.

“Let’s take it one step at a time. You are right about the components, and I’ll stay out of your study, but I don’t think there’s anything to worry about for now, okay? I love you very much.”

“I love you too,” Caleb sighed, drawing her in for a kiss, soft and tender. “I’m sorry, I’ve gone a little crazy in the last 24 hours.”

“I think that’s understandable. You’re not the only one. Let’s go make you some coffee so you can function with all that missed sleep.”

At breakfast, Jester casually mentioned to Veth that she was thinking about visiting her mother, and did she want to come to Nicodranas for a weekend?

“That would be great,” Veth replied. “I’d really like to go spend some time with the boys. Since we’re on a bit of a slow time right now anyway. When do you want to go?”

“I was thinking tomorrow, I have to talk to Mama and ask if she’s free.” Jester practically inhaled a second helping of Caduceus’s cheesy bread pudding. Gods, she was _starving_.

“Seems like you’re feeling a bit better,” Yasha said, passing her the teapot.

“A little,” she lied. “Must’ve caught something.”

“What’s the occasion for the visit?” Veth asked, looking curiously at Jester. “Just being spontaneous?”

“And not inviting the rest of us, I see how it is,” Fjord sniffed, a teasing smile playing at his mouth.

“Of course you can come,” Jester said quickly, nervous laughter bubbling up in her chest. “Mama loves when we all come. I just was going to pop in for a quick visit, you know, missing my Mama is all.”

“I mean hey, when you can teleport anywhere, why not, right?” Veth said with a shrug.

Teleport…could she Teleport? Jester furrowed her brow and turned to Caleb before she could think twice.

“Can I…?” Jester started, then catching herself, she gestured to the teapot. “Um, can you pass me more tea?” She’d have to ask Essek, if Caleb didn’t know.

“Speaking of tea,” Caduceus interjected, looking at her. “I made a new mix I think you might like, can you come try it out and tell me if you think I got the balance right?” Jester hopped up and followed Caduceus to the kitchen, and he shut the door behind them, keeping his voice low.

“So I’m not sure if this blend is exactly right, I’ll have to send a message to my mother…I’ve never made it before, but it’s one of the family recipes. She drank it when she was pregnant with all four of us, and so did her mother, and her mother, as long as we’ve been at the Grove. I still have some of the ginger that grows from the Ronna family, and the Vuthaks grow the best stinging nettles. So it’s the same recipe, some of the same plants, that the Clay women have been using for generations. I’m sure you haven’t made your decisions yet, but I wanted you to have it. And hey, it tastes great no matter what.” He smiled at her and Jester threw her arms around him, pulling him in for a big hug.

“Thank you, Caduceus,” she whispered, picking up the jar and holding it in both hands. “This is really special.”

“And I made a fresh batch of that ginger and cinnamon tea I make for stomachaches, so…just so you know. That’s here too if you need it.”

“Thank you,” Jester said again. “Thank you, I…” Tears were threatening again and Jester did her damnedest to swallow them. “Sorry, I don’t mean to get emotional, it’s just, you’re the only one who knows, and it really means a lot to me that you’re here, you know? I feel like…everything’s gonna be okay, when I remember that you’ve got our backs.”

“I always do,” Caduceus said, a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You know the others do too. We’re a family, and family looks out for one another, yeah?”

“Yeah,” she sniffed, wiping her nose and eyes. “Okay, I don’t look like I’ve been crying over a jar of tea, right?”

“Nah, hardly.”

After coming up with a cover story about transporting someone for a job and getting confirmation from Essek that yes, pregnant people can safely Teleport, Jester sent a message to Marion.

“Hi Mama! Can we come visit you tomorrow? Probably just me and Cayleb, Veth’s gonna come too but she’ll be with Yeza…I miss you.”

“Oh! Jester!” Marion’s voice filtered into her head. “Yes, of course, darling, I’d love for you to visit. Is everything alright? You sound stressed.” Jester sighed and cast Sending again.

“Yeah, Mama, I just want to see you. We’ll talk tomorrow. I love you!”

“I love you too, little Sapphire.”

Jester had just pulled her weekend pack out of the closet when Caleb popped his head into their room.

“Hi, _Liebling_ , can I borrow your haversack? I want to do a bit of shopping.”

“Sure, it’s on the back of the door.” Caleb took the pink bag off the hook and kissed her forehead on the way out. Jester made a grumble and he came back and pulled her into a real kiss, smiling.

“I love you so much,” he whispered, kissing her again. “You’ll be alright while I’m gone?” Jester raised an eyebrow at him and smiled, amused.

“I’m in our house, Cayleb, not the middle of the woods. You’re going out shopping. I’m fine.”

“Okay, well if you need anything, message me and I’ll come home straightaway, _ja?_ Do you need something while I’m out, for your stomach maybe?”

“I think I’m okay, thanks, baby.” She pecked him on the lips and shooed him out. “Go, I’m going to pack. And maybe take a little nap, I’m tired.”

Jester’s “little nap” lasted almost three hours. She was disoriented when she woke up, dehydrated and somehow still fucking exhausted. _Guess this is payback for the entire week I barely slept._ When she pulled her dress on over her head and trudged downstairs, yawning, Caleb and Veth were at the kitchen table, chatting over coffee.

“Ah, you’re up,” Caleb said, and Jester nodded sleepily, plopping down on the bench next to him.

“How was your shopping?” she asked through another big yawn.

“Good, it was good, and I picked up some of those lemon cookies you like from the bakery while I was out.” Caleb fished in the haversack and pulled out a box for her. She smiled, but the second she opened it and the fragrance of lemon hit her, usually so light and fresh but this time completely overpowering, her stomach immediately turned over. Jester pushed the box away, jumped up and barely made it to the kitchen bin before retching up her breakfast.

“What the _fuck?!”_ Jester moaned, resting her forehead on the edge of the bin. “Is there something wrong with those?” Caleb and Veth stared at her in astonishment, and Veth hopped down from the bench to stand next to Jester, petting her head.

“I - I don’t think so?” Caleb opened the box again to smell them; Jester was hit with the scent once more and started dry heaving into the bin. “Okay, okay, um, I will put these in the cabinet, far away, and I will make you some of that sore stomach tea, okay?” Caleb jumped up frantically and put the box in the very back of the pantry, shutting the door firmly behind him, and started rummaging around in the cabinets for a teapot. Jester sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes with the napkin Veth offered.

“Thanks, Veth,” she mumbled, her face hot. Gods, she was so embarrassed. Not like she hadn’t thrown up in front of her friends before, but this was so out of the blue and in their _kitchen_ too.

“Hey, it’s alright, it’s alright,” Veth reassured her, and helped her up to sit back down at the table. When Caleb put the teapot down, along with a glass of water, and sat next to Jester, he put an arm around her and hugged her close. She was so distracted by her embarrassment and nausea that she almost didn’t notice Veth staring at the two of them, suspicious.

“Alright, _what_ is going on here?” Veth demanded, crossing her arms.

“What do you mean?” Jester asked innocently, pouring tea and not meeting Veth’s eyes to cover up the panic flooding her body. Next to her, Caleb had tensed up. Veth started ticking off on her fingers.

“I mean with the vomiting, and the sweating, and the spontaneous trip to Nicodranas, and the fatigue, and the eating a lot but also suddenly hating your favorite foods - I’m not as perceptive as Caduceus but I _do_ have firsthand experience here and all of that sounds awful familiar.” Jester put her face in her hands and groaned.

“Okay, yeah, you got us,” she muttered, and Veth gasped loudly.

“Veth, Veth you can _not_ tell _anyone_ ,” Caleb said sternly, his hand on Veth’s arm. His tone would tolerate no argument, a low edge of protective warning in his voice. _Damn, that’ll be a good dad voice._ Jester couldn’t help but laugh to herself at that thought. Like she even really knew what that sounded like. When she picked her head up, Veth grabbed her hands and stared at her, beaming.

“Jessie! Jessie, you’re _pregnant?_ You really are?” Her voice was barely more than a whisper.

“Yeah,” Jester replied, giving her a small smile. Veth scrambled down off the bench again and wrapped her in a big hug.

“Oh, I’m so happy for you, there’s nothing in this world like being a parent, there really isn’t… And you!” Veth looked up at Caleb, glaring, and smacked him in the bicep.

“Ow!”

“You couldn’t even make an honest woman of her before you knocked her up?!”

“Voice down, Veth,” Jester hissed through giggles. Caleb stared at Veth and lifted both hands in utter confusion.

“Sorry, how is this _my_ fault all of a sudden?”

“It isn’t _not_ your fault,” Jester murmured through the hand she put over her mouth to restrain her laughter.

“Surely even in Blumenthal they taught you how babies are made,” Veth hissed, arms crossed. “Were you raised by wolves? Didn’t your father ever give you the talk about pulling out?”

“Veth!” Jester dissolved into laughter, seeing Caleb hide his beet red face behind his hands at Veth’s tongue lashing. She put a hand on her friend’s shoulder, figuring she should probably come to his rescue. “Veth, I was on contraception. I must’ve gotten a bad batch or something.”

“See, I always say you can’t trust that stuff, they didn’t have it when our parents were our age and the old method works just fine-“

“Okay, well obviously, in this one particular case, you were correct,” Jester placated, rolling her eyes behind Veth’s head. Caleb bit back a smile, but then cleared his throat.

“Ah, listen, Veth,” Caleb said, soft but serious, and he took Jester’s hand. “It’s still very early, and we…don’t know yet, what we’re going to do here. So please, you cannot breathe a word of this to anyone, but also…” He looked at Jester apologetically, for the fact that they had to have this talk at all. “Look, if I know you, you’ll be designing a nursery before the week is out. Just, don’t get your hopes up yet, _ja?_ We don’t know right now.” Veth looked between them, astonished.

“You’re not saying you might…”

“We might,” Caleb said, again in that steel tone that closed the conversation behind it. “What we might or might not do is primarily up to Jester, and I won’t tolerate any meddling in her decision. You are my oldest and dearest friend, but this is something the two of us need to work out.”

Veth drew them both in close for a hug and despite Veth’s small size, Jester felt almost as comforted as if she were getting a hug from her own mother.

“Of course, I’m sorry,” she said, drawing back, but keeping her hands on both their arms. “I shouldn’t have said that. You know I support you, both of you, and trust you to make good choices. It’s just…” Veth sighed. “I promise I won’t say anything more on the subject, I really won’t, it’s just that as a mother, my child is the greatest joy of my life, and…I just don’t want the two of _you_ to miss out on that. Because you deserve that happiness. But if it isn’t right, it isn’t right, and that’s for you to decide, so…I love you guys. And my lips are sealed, I won’t say anything, not even to Yeza.”

“Thanks, Veth,” Jester murmured, squeezing her hand.

“And if you need to talk to someone who’s been through it, I’m here. Both of you.”

“Thank you, _meine Freundin._ ” Veth squeezed Caleb’s hand too and started off to leave the kitchen.

“Tomorrow to Nicodranas?” she asked as she reached the door.

“Tomorrow to Nicodranas,” Jester sighed.

Later that night, Jester had her bag packed and dropped a kiss on Caleb’s forehead as she went to the door.

“I’m going to go talk to Veth a little,” she said softly. Caleb smiled at her, laid out on their bed, reading.

“ _Ja_ , good. I’ll be here.”

When Jester closed the door behind her, Caleb sat in the silence for a long, long moment. He finally sighed and reached over onto the nightstand for his holsters, unbuckling the worn book that sat next to his heart for most of the day but rarely saw the light.

_Dearest,_

_I’m still a bit shell-shocked to learn of you. According to one of the books I bought today, you are probably just about the size of a little orange seed. (We don’t know exactly how old you are. This does not bode well for our potential as parents.) It’s astonishing that something so small can change so much._

_I thought, in my younger days, that bringing a child into this terrible, hungry world would cause me nothing but guilt. I’m surprised that I don’t feel guilty. The world is terrible, and it is hungry, but knowing that the love your mother and I share has the power to create from nothing fills me with gratitude, and so I can’t feel guilty, at least for now. (I know you don’t want to think about your parents having sex. Sorry.)_

_I know I shouldn’t get attached to you yet. There’s much that can happen and choices to be made. My own mother had several more pregnancies than she had children, so I know you are still very fragile. Just last week you weren’t even a thought in my head. It’s extraordinary to realize that I didn’t know you existed at all and you were just sitting there quietly, growing away. You were the size of a poppy seed then, according to the book. You have grown a lot, if you think about it, into an orange seed. Excellent job._

_I know I shouldn’t get attached to you yet, but I already feel as though I’m starting to grow a second heart, next to the one that belongs to your mother, to make room for you. The fears and the worries will come, should you stay with us, and they’ll certainly find space in these pages. For now I’m filled with awe and a terror too big to name._

_With gratitude,_

_C.W._

_P.S. Please stop making your mother sweat and vomit. I love her and it hurts to see her suffer._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your feedback so far! 🥰 Kudos and comments always keep the motivation coming.
> 
> Also idk why I decided that Veth is a birth control truther but 🤷🏻♀️it just felt on brand.


	3. how old is your soul?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which I continue to pay homage to Sam/Veth's commitment to unintentionally making everyone deeply uncomfortable at any opportunity.
> 
> TW for more than passing discussions of abortion.

“Caaaaayleb, are you ready yet?” Jester huffed, poking her head into their room. “Usually _I’m_ the one who takes forever packing!” Caleb was standing next to their bed, which had a layer of books on it that almost covered the mattress.

“Sorry, _Liebling,_ just a moment,” he murmured, lost in thought. She watched as he carefully picked up one book and switched it with another.

“What are you doing?” she asked, coming up to stand beside him.

“Ah, I am trying to figure out the optimal reading order for the books I bought yesterday, so I can decide where to start… But there’s so much information, I don’t know what to read first…”

It took her a moment to understand what she was looking at: a spread of books with titles like _The Alabaster Lyceum Manual for a Healthy Pregnancy, A Parent’s Guide to Raising Multiracial Children, The Expecting Mother and Emotional Wellbeing, A Practical Handbook for Fatherhood, A Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth for Fathers, The Breastfeeding Mother’s Companion, Nurturing Your Baby’s Developing Mind…_

When Caleb saw her staring at him, he blushed.

“Okay, ja, I know I maybe bought too many, but you know, I figured, we’ll use them eventually, if, um, if not right now, and if right now, well, then I want to be prepared, so…”

“You are an insane person,” Jester laughed in disbelief. She kept her voice low. “We don’t even know if we’re _having_ this thing.”

Fear started to creep into the edges of Jester’s vision. She suspected from the beginning that Caleb was more excited than he was letting on, for fear of pressuring her. He wanted this baby, she knew it, gods, and she’d be hurting him so much if she decided _she_ didn’t want it, and fuck, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t breathe-

“Jester? Jester, what’s wrong?” Caleb gripped her shoulders. “ _Schatz_ , I - I’m sorry-

“No,” she managed, shaking her head, blinking back tears. “No, it’s okay. I’m just…emotional.” Caleb kissed her forehead.

“I will try to relax, _ja?_ I’m sorry, I know I’m being a bit of a basket case…”

“It’s not that,” Jester mumbled, leaning her head on his chest. Caleb stacked his books quickly, the all-important order seemingly forgotten - though Jester knew he had a picture of it in his head - and sat, patting the bed for Jester to sit with him.

“What is it, then? Do you want to talk about it now?” Jester didn’t bother trying to stop the tears anymore and got up to shut the bedroom door. By the time she stepped back over to the bed, tears were dripping from her cheeks.

“Oh, Jester…” Caleb wrapped his arms around her and sighed, and the feeling of being embraced was suddenly suffocating, not comforting. She pushed his arms away gently but firmly and he folded his hands in his lap, waiting for her to give him some hint about what she needed.

“I feel like you really want to have the baby,” Jester choked, her voice hardly more than a whisper. She pressed her hands to her mouth, trying to hold back the flood that she knew was coming, and feeling horrible, anguishing guilt hollowing her chest. Caleb’s face fell - he never was good at hiding his emotions around her - and he put a hand on her leg, hesitating, in case she wanted to reject it. Jester had never felt this far away from him.

“Sweetheart… I’m sorry.” He sighed shakily, tears gathering in the corner of his own eyes. “I’ve never lied to you, Jester, and I won’t start now. Yes, you’re right. I do. I…do. I think I do. You’re the love of my life. The idea of starting a family with you…yes. I do want it.” Caleb took her hands in his, reaching out first and waiting for her to nod. “But, _Schatz_ , please believe me, that I love _you_ first and foremost. If we decide that this isn’t right for us now, if _you_ decide you’re not ready… Yes, I will be sad. I will. But that’s okay.”

“How can you say that?” Jester sobbed. “That it’s okay? If I said I want to get rid of our baby?”

“I can say that it’s okay because you are more important to me, Jester. I would do anything for you. And I will wait for you until we’re ready for this.”

“I feel like you say that but you’d actually never forgive me,” Jester wept. “I feel like you’d resent me forever.”

“I don’t know if there’s anything I can say that would make you feel differently about that, _Schatz_ , other than please trust me. Trust me that I know how I feel, _ja?”_

“I’m trying…”

“I know. I know this is hard. I’m not sure that I’m really ready either. It’s not like I’m so confident that keeping it is the right decision, I just know that I want it. That doesn’t make it a good idea. But I love _you_ more than anything. And we’ll talk more, and think more, and take our time. We’re on a team here, _ja_? You and me.”

“Okay. Yeah. You and me,” she whispered, sniffling.

“And…” Caleb gestured to the books. “I meant it when I said I got these because I want to be ready for whenever we have children. Finding out that you’re pregnant, it just made me realize how unprepared I am, for any part of it. I don’t want to be holding our baby, whether it’s ten months from now or five years from now, and have that feeling. I want to be ready and do it right.”

“I love you,” she mumbled, putting her arms around him and pulling him in for a hug. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Jester.” She stayed like that, curled up against his chest, until her sobs subsided, and she felt calm again.

“Sorry I freaked out…”

“It’s okay, all these books are the only reason I’m not freaking out. And then just barely.” Jester had to laugh at that, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “You know me. I like to pretend I can control things if I just read enough about them.”

“Yeah, I do,” she laughed. “Don’t worry, it’s endearing.”

“Well, thank the gods for that.” Caleb smiled and kissed the top of her head. “I do want to talk about your reservations, or whatever your worries are. When you’re ready to talk about them, I’m here. Are you ready to go?”

“I think so. You’re allowed to take _one_ book. One! Choose wisely! And hide the others!”

“Do you know how cruel it is to tell me I can only take _one_ book with me somewhere?”

“Fine, two. I’m not a monster.”

The nausea in Jester’s stomach worsened when they finally approached the Lavish Chateau, and she couldn’t tell if it was because of the baby or because of…the baby. Veth squeezed her hand gently as Caleb knocked and Tyral opened the front door.

“Ah, excellent to see you again, Miss Jester, Miss Brennatto, Mister Widogast. The Ruby is expecting you, I’ll let her know you’ve arrived and take your bags.”

Jester didn’t hear any of the rest of the conversation, about a room or Marion’s schedule or arrangements for dinner. She was focused on regulating her breathing and not having a complete panic attack. Gods, she felt like she was coming apart at the seams, every other minute she was certain she was about to break down completely. She hoped desperately that talking with her mother would clear the storm in her head. It often did, but there were things on Jester’s mind she didn’t even want to talk to Mama about, and she didn’t know that those would be easily resolved. Caleb noticed her focused breathing and distant stare and wrapped an arm around her shoulders while he finished talking with Tyral about logistics.

“…And the Ruby has requested that your family join them for dinner in her private quarters, Miss Brennatto.”

“Oh! That’s very nice of her,” Veth said, surprised. She looked up at Jester. “Let me just talk to Yeza and see what he says - I’m sure he and Luc would love that.” Jester just nodded.

She knew that the wild mood swings were part of this whole thing, but she wasn’t expecting to feel lighter with every step that she took up to her mother’s apartment. Her Mama would know just what to say to ease her heart. Jester was too old to think Marion would “fix” her problems, but talking them out with her always seemed to give her clarity and set her on the right path.

“Mama!” Jester exclaimed, throwing her arms around her mother the second Marion opened the door.

“Oh, my little Sapphire, it’s so good to see you,” Marion cried, squeezing her daughter tight. She pulled back and inspected Jester carefully. “You get more beautiful every time you visit me.” The Ruby reached out for Caleb, who was obviously anxious, if one knew how to spot it, which Jester did.

“Ah, hello, Frau Lavorre,” he murmured, accepting the hug and kissing her on the cheek.

“And Veth!” Marion clasped her hands together. “Your family is just loving it here, I’m sure you speak to them, but, I’ve helped Yeza find some tutors for Luc, and he’s just excelling, I’m sure you’ll hear all about it. You’ll join us for dinner, won’t you?”

“I have to talk to Yeza,” Veth said, glancing at Jester. Jester nodded, encouraging. _Please come to dinner so it’s not me and Caleb sitting on this big secret in front of my mother who will absolutely worm it out of us._ “But Jester can Send me later and check in! I just don’t want to speak for him, if he’s made plans for the night.”

“Of course, dear,” Marion said with a smile.

“Um, I just wanted to say hello,” Veth continued. “Since I’m in town, and if we can’t join you tonight maybe tomorrow, but I’m going to go to our house now and leave you all to it.” Veth shifted awkwardly. “Uh. Let me know if you need anything?” She scurried off down the stairs.

“Well that was strange,” Marion said. “I’ve got tea prepared, come in, come in.”

Jester sat at Marion’s cozy round dining table with a sigh. The familiar aroma of the celery seed and orange tea Marion favored, and the sight of a small dish of toffee, chocolate covered and studded with sesame seeds and dried pineapple, thankfully didn’t inspire a new round of vomiting. Small mercies.

“So, darling, tell me what you’ve been up to since the last time I saw you!”

Jester blew on her tea carefully, stalling for time. Caleb watched her out of the corner of his eye, waiting for her to either broach the subject or not.

“Well, um…” Jester went on to give a relatively anodyne account of the last three months, compared to the usual verve with which she told her stories. Caleb chimed in a few times to add detail or keep her going, and Marion listened attentively, but her frown grew as Jester went on.

“Something bothering you, my love?” Jester froze, unsure whether she could salvage it or if she had to do this now. Caleb reached over and took her hand.

“Do you want some time alone with your mother?” he asked gently.

“No!” Jester exclaimed, louder than she meant, and both Caleb and Marion recoiled in surprise. “Um. Sorry. No, I mean, I’m - maybe in a few minutes.” Jester took a deep breath and a big sip of her tea with shaky hands.

“Mama, we’re here because I had something I wanted to talk to you about.” Marion’s eyes darted between the two of them, and she craned her neck ever so slightly to peer at Jester’s left hand. Seeing that Jester’s ring finger was bare, her furrowed brow deepened with concern and she waited for her daughter to continue.

“Yes?” she prompted, leaning forward. Jester opened her mouth but words wouldn’t come. _Come on. Just say it. Just move your tongue and make it come out._ Every time breath rose in her throat to start to form the words, her heart pounded and she couldn’t force it. Caleb held her hand with both of his and massaged it, soothingly.

“Mama?” she whispered.

“Yes, Jester?” Marion replied, clearly anxious and impatient for Jester to spit it out. _Spit it out. You can do it. It’s just two words._

“I’m pregnant.”

Marion was completely still and silent, open-mouthed, for a long, long moment. Jester was certain it couldn’t have been more than half a minute, but it felt like an eternity, waiting for her mother to react. Finally, Marion slumped back in her chair and blew out a long held breath.

“How long?” she finally asked. Jester’s heart was in her throat. What was she thinking? Was she angry? Disappointed?

“Five, six weeks, maybe.” Marion nodded and leaned forward, resting her chin on her folded hands, just searching their faces. Caleb, Jester knew without even looking, was shamefaced and worried, just as she was, preparing to get ripped into by the Ruby of the Sea.

“Are you here telling me as your mother, or as someone who can help you take care of this?” Marion asked, her cadence slow and careful.

The words felt like a punch to the gut. Jester thought…she didn’t know what she thought. In retrospect, she might have anticipated that news of an unplanned pregnancy would bring up some unpleasant memories for her mother. She always wanted better for Jester, she wanted more for her than she had, she taught her everything so she wouldn’t end up like this, she - Jester modulated her breathing, squeezing her eyes shut. _You’re not Mama. Caleb isn’t the Gentleman._ She felt Caleb tense up next to her.

“Ah, Frau Lavorre, if I might,” he asked softly. Marion’s sharp gaze turned to him and he took a deep breath. “I don’t want to speak for Jester-“

“Then perhaps you shouldn’t,” Marion said, her voice clipped. Caleb bristled physically but his tone remained even, soft.

“Then I won’t,” he demurred. “I can only tell you that we haven’t made a decision yet.”

Jester couldn’t breathe. She should’ve known better. She should’ve known she couldn’t come here and ask about this. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have thought her mother might just be happy and let her vent her feelings? _That’s what people get whose mothers didn’t get pregnant and abandoned._

“And so you’re looking for advice,” Marion sighed, the tension relaxing in her body, though not disappearing. She put her forehead in her hands.

“Jester said that she would like your counsel, which is why we're here.”

“ _She_ would like my counsel, but you wouldn’t?”

“Mama-“ Jester started sharply, coming back to herself. Caleb squeezed her hand.

“My heart is more settled than Jester’s. I value your advice, Frau Lavorre, and will consider what you have to say, of course.”

“And your heart is settled on what, exactly?” Marion asked, folding her arms over her chest. Caleb looked to Jester, worried the conversation was moving away from her, but she nodded slightly. _Go on. It matters to her._

“I…well, I think you know that I love your daughter very much. We have discussed the possibility of starting a family… I have told Jester that I will support her decision either way, but that I am prepared for us to have a child.”

“You say you love her enough that you want to have a baby with her, but I don’t see a ring on her finger.” Caleb flushed.

“Ah, no, well, as I’m sure you have intuited, this was unexpected…”

“So you weren’t planning to marry her any time soon.”

“Mama!” Jester snapped, anger rising in her throat, but Marion’s eyes were fixed squarely on Caleb like a bird hunting prey. He was a patient man, but his hackles were up, having his love for Jester called into question.

“Frau Lavorre, I have every intention of marrying Jester,” Caleb said.

His tone reminded Jester of when they were talking to Veth yesterday, and he told her that he wouldn’t tolerate any meddling in Jester’s decision. Jester’s heart swooped and skipped hearing that, though they’d discussed it and she knew it, hearing him say it, to her mother no less, was…a lot.

“And it is a great insult to my integrity to suggest that you think I would sit here and tell you that and then run off on Jester and our _child_ like I’m some kind of con man!”

It was a thoughtless thing to say and Jester saw the instant Caleb realized it. He touched his hand to his mouth, like it had been operating without his permission.

“Frau Lavorre, I’m very sorry-“ Marion leaned forward, stopping him cold.

“I’m glad you said it so I didn’t have to. Forgive me, Mister Widogast, if your intentions and promises don’t hold much weight with me without something tangible to back them up.”

“I do understand why you’re so concerned, I do-“

“You don’t!” Marion snapped. “Because if you decide that perhaps fatherhood is really too much for you after all, _you’re_ not going to be the one left trying to manage and raise a child on your own, my daughter is!”

“I’m going to our room,” Jester announced, standing up abruptly. She shook her head and stalked out, and there was a moment of silence before chairs scraped and she heard her mother call her name, pleading, but she didn’t look back.

Caleb’s footsteps followed her quickly, and he jogged ahead of her to reach their room first and unlock the door. Jester was barely holding it together, just focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Gods, how could she have any tears left in her at this point? How was she not just a shriveled husk of a person?

She let it all out the second she heard the door click shut behind them and Caleb gathered her up in his arms and held her against his chest as she wailed. He didn’t say anything, just held her, until she started to slow and he led her over to the bed, toeing his shoes off so he could sit against the headboard and hold her in his lap.

“Jester…Jester I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry,” he mumbled, stroking her hair. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lost my patience with her…”

“I thought she’d be happy,” Jester sobbed, burying her face in the crook of his neck. “I thought at least she’d be happy.”

“I know, _Schatz_ , I know you did, and it shouldn’t have gone that way, I’m sorry…”

“I’m already so scared of that,” Jester bawled. “I’m already so scared you’re going to run off on me and then she goes and says that?”

“What?!” Caleb asked, alarmed. “You think I would do that?” His face showed his hurt and Jester started crying harder.

“No, I don’t, but you might! I’m sure my Mama never thought my dad was going to run out on her!”

“Oh, Jester…” Caleb held her tighter and let her cry; her tears soaked into his shirt but he didn’t seem to notice. “Jester, I’m not like him.” Jester nodded.

“I know that,” she sniffled. “But I’m still scared.”

“Is that what your reservations are about?” Caleb asked, wiping her hair off her wet cheeks. “You’re afraid you’ll be left to do it alone?”

“Yes! I mean, there’s other stuff too, but…it’s not even just that you might run away, like what if you die? We live such a dangerous life, Cayleb, and there’s people who want to hurt you. Then I’ll be on my own.”

“You wouldn’t be on your own,” he reminded her softly. “You wouldn’t. You have your mother, and the Nein…not to mention that Veth would hunt me down herself if I ever dared. She’d pay child support on my behalf by selling my organs on the black market. You and our child would want for nothing when she was done auctioning off the parts of me.” Jester had to laugh at that. She knew he was trying to cheer her up, make her laugh, and she nuzzled against him, a small smile teasing at the corners of her mouth.

“Thats true.”

“I know that isn’t the only thing you’re worried about,” Caleb said, holding her against his chest.

“It’s not.”

“When you’re ready, we can talk about the rest.”

“Okay. I want to stop crying, how about that? Can I just not be bursting into tears every thirty seconds?!”

“According to the book, that’s to be expected,” Caleb told her, apologetic. Jester grunted.

“Does the book tell you how to make it stop?”

“If that’s a serious question I’ll go get it.”

“Please.” Jester rolled over onto her side, exhaustion sinking in bone deep, and pulled back the covers so she could get comfortable for a nap. Caleb took the thick book out of his bag and settled in next to her, lacing his fingers in hers.

“Ah, let’s see…it says to ‘be patient with yourself’. Hmm. Okay. Sleep…you are doing a good job at that. Keep it up. And…’do meditation’.” Jester looked over at him with a raised eyebrow to see Caleb biting his lip, trying to hold back laughter.

“What?”

“Do you feel much like meditating right now, _Schatz_?”

“I feel like meditating about punching you in the throat,” Jester mumbled, settling into her blanket nest with a huff.

“Is that you, Beauregard?”

“Oh, shut _up_ ,” Jester groaned, laughing. “I’m gonna take a nap. Wake me up when…never mind, don’t wake me up.”

“Sleep well.” Caleb kissed her forehead and she fell asleep with his hand carding through her hair as he read.

~~~

_Knock knock knock._

Caleb looked up from his book and listened to see if the knock was for their door or not.

_Knock knock knock._

“Jester?” Marion’s voice came from behind the door. Caleb sighed, put a ribbon in the book to mark his place, and padded over to the door. When he opened it, Marion was standing there, looking contrite.

“Ah, she’s sleeping,” he whispered, careful to make sure he sounded cordial. He was still a bit ruffled about her comments earlier, but he loved Jester and this was her mother and he wanted to have a good relationship with her. He knew Marion wanted the best for Jester; they weren’t on opposing sides in that. Marion wrung her hands and pressed her lips together.

“Could we talk? By the fire?” Caleb looked back at Jester, who was sound asleep, her chest rising and falling peacefully.

“ _Ja_ , so long as we keep quiet, she shouldn’t wake.”

Marion nodded and Caleb stepped aside so she could come in. The Ruby looked over to where her daughter was sleeping and just watched her for a minute, her eyes far away. Caleb busied himself by the fire, moving pillows and whatnot to make space for Marion to sit on the couch. She lowered herself gracefully onto the cushion and sat facing him. Caleb didn’t intend to be the first to speak; Marion sighed and took his hands in hers.

“Caleb, I must apologize, for how I spoke to you before, that was…uncivilized…of me.”

“I understand you only want what’s best for Jester, for her to be safe, and secure… I hope you know we are on the same page about that. And that I’m sorry for my poor choice of words, earlier.”

“I do,” she started, choosing her words carefully. “I do. I have only ever known you to be good to her, to support her. I want more than anything for Jester to be _happy_. I know you make her happy. It was discourteous of me to suggest you would hurt her.”

“I hope you don’t really believe such a thing about me.”

“I don’t. But I know that men say a lot of things that they mean when they say them and then, at some point, whether it’s once their pants are back on or years down the line, they stop meaning them. You understand where I’m coming from.” Caleb was quiet for a minute. If he could be generous with Marion, get past his defensiveness, he supposed he did understand.

“I do, yes.”

“If you’re married, she has rights. She gets protections. If she does, whether through a fault of yours or not, find herself a single mother, she’s entitled to support. As someone who had to find a way to manage without that, the difference is meaningful.”

“I know that you don’t want Jester to have to go through what you went through,” Caleb said gently. “Of course. That makes sense. And it makes sense that my word is not enough to ease your mind.“ He thought for a moment. “I may have something to help, though.”

Caleb got up and went to his bag, digging through it until he found the tiny hidden pocket sewn into the lining. He returned to Marion, holding a small leather pouch.

“I’m sure Jester has told you that my parents are no longer living.”

“Ah, yes, she has, I’m sorry…they passed in a house fire, correct?”

“They did,” Caleb said. He opened the pouch and pulled out three rings. One was silver, set with three small square diamonds, and two gold bands. They’d lost their luster from sitting in the bag for so long, but they were clean and in good condition. Caleb opened his hand and showed the rings to Marion.

“This is the only thing in the world that I have left of them. Their wedding rings, and my mother’s engagement ring. Besides a few pots and pans, they were all that survived the fire. Until I give this to Jester-“ he held up the diamond ring, “-the other two are yours to keep.” Caleb put the diamond ring back in the leather bag and held out the other two to Marion. She looked between his face and his palm and saw nothing but serious intention.

“Caleb…”

“You don’t trust me, so take them. I know they’ll be in good hands until you give them back to me. Jester doesn’t need to know. It will be between us, so you know I mean what I say.”

He placed the rings in Marion’s palm and she closed her hand around them. The air between them was quiet for a moment, and then Marion put her arms around Caleb and hugged him tight.

“As a mother, I can’t take these from you,” she whispered, and pulled back, holding the rings out to him.

“Frau Lavorre-“

“Marion. You offering them is enough. I lost my own parents long ago and I know you wouldn’t risk losing these unless you were ready to commit to her.”

“I am. I have been. It just…has never seemed like the right time. I’ve never wanted to push her.”

“Mama?” Jester’s voice came from across the room, sleepy. Marion jumped up and Caleb covertly put the rings back into the pouch, tying it shut and putting it in his pocket to return to the bag later.

“Jester, my darling, I’m so sorry,” Marion murmured against Jester’s shoulder. “I shouldn’t have gotten upset like that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you should apologize to, Mama,” Jester sighed, and Caleb cleared his throat. Jester turned and looked at him.

“It’s alright, _Schatz_ , we had a talk while you were sleeping.”

“Okay, everything is okay?” Jester asked, looking between them.

“Of course, my love,” Marion said, stroking Jester’s hair. “Of course.”

“I am going to take a walk to the Brennattos’ and see if they’re coming for dinner,” Caleb said, putting on his coat and boots. “And let you two have a bit of mother-daughter time, _ja?”_

“Thanks, baby,” Jester murmured, when he pecked her on the cheek.

“I’ll be back in a little bit, with or without halflings in tow. Send for me when you’re ready, _Liebling_.”

After the door was shut, Marion climbed up on the bed and Jester laid down with her head in Marion’s lap, the way they always did when Jester was younger and needed to talk something through with her mother. Marion’s fingers combed soothingly through Jester’s hair.

“How are you feeling, darling?”

“Tired as shit all the time,” Jester grumbled, and Marion laughed.

“Ah, yes, I remember that well. I was so exhausted my first few months with you, gods, I’m surprised I didn’t fall asleep during appointments.”

“And I’m throwing up a lot. Off and on. It could be worse.” Marion hummed in sympathy and sat silently, waiting for Jester to continue.

“I’m scared, Mama.”

“What are you scared of, dearest?”

“I’m scared of having a baby.” Marion waited again for Jester to keep going but she didn’t.

“…Which part of it?”

“All of it. The giving birth and stuff seems hard and scary but that’s temporary… But it’s such a big decision. If I say yes then that’s it forever. I can’t change my mind halfway through and be like, well, goodbye, kid, off to the orphanage with you! I mean I _could_ but I obviously wouldn’t do that. And then there’s all kinds of stuff to do with our lifestyle, I mean, we’re running around killing dragons and all kinds of crazy shit, I can’t do that with a baby. And I know that could be figured out but then, if we have a kid and we’re just never around, isn’t that just like putting them in the orphanage? Won’t they be all fucked up? And the other thing is, we make some pretty powerful enemies, you know? And so what if someone goes looking for our kid to hurt them? And also, what if I’m not ready? Or what if Cayleb thinks he’s ready but he really isn’t and he gets scared and leaves me like dad did? What if we’re terrible parents? What if we start hating each other? What if I look at it years down the line and I hate _it_ because _it’s_ the reason I had to leave the Mighty Nein or stop traveling or doing things for the greater good, you know?”

Marion was silent, just letting Jester ramble, until she petered out, laying on her side, facing the door, holding the end of Marion’s tail between her hands like she did when she was a little girl.

“Those are a lot of worries to have bouncing around in your head.”

“Yeah, and so nobody should wonder why I’m crying every five minutes.”

“Do you want my thoughts?”

“Yeah, Mama, I really do,” Jester said. She felt so small again.

“Well, I can’t fix all of those things, my love. I can’t fix most of them, actually. The only part I can offer any real help with is telling you that of course if you need your child to stay with me when you travel, you know they will be well spoiled and taken care of here.”

“Thanks, Mama,” Jester whispered.

“Everything else, I can’t tell you what to do there. I can’t tell you what is and isn’t worth worrying about because nobody can tell the future. I can tell you what I went through, though, when I found myself in your shoes. When I got pregnant with you, I was absolutely. Fucking. Terrified.” Jester’s eyes widened. She very rarely heard her mother curse. “Absolutely terrified. I thought, this can’t happen now, a brothel is no place to raise a child and I’m in no position to start doing anything else right now. I have very little money, and Babenon was _gone_ … I hated you, at first, my little Sapphire.”

“Mama!” Jester gasped with indignation.

“At first! When I just found out! I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.” Jester huffed, not agreeing or disagreeing. She did know. “I wasn’t running around killing dragons but I had a lot of the same worries that you’re describing. Would you be safe, if I raised you here, from clients who wanted to get to me, can I even be a good parent, I don’t know how to be a mother… A lot of those same thoughts.”

“Did you think about, like…getting rid of me?”

“I did,” Marion admitted softly. “I did. I bought the potion even.” Jester’s heart was pounding. She didn’t know any of this. She’d never really thought about it, but she never thought her mother had doubts about having her at all.

“What happened?” Jester whispered. Marion sighed.

“I just…never took it. I kept telling myself I would. And then one more day went by, and one more day, and another week, and a month, and then I stopped telling myself I would, and just started preparing for you to be here. I didn’t have a good argument, I didn’t have solutions to all those problems I’d been hemming and hawing about forever. When push came to shove, I simply couldn’t do it. But I have, before.”

“Mama, what?” Jester asked, sitting up.

“I’ve been pregnant before you. I had no qualms about ending a pregnancy before. There was little question in my mind, then, that it was the right thing to do. With you, it was different. Maybe because I loved your father, maybe because I was a different person, older, more ready, though I felt like a little girl when I stood there and watched that purple smoke go up. With you, I just…couldn’t take that last step. And it was the best decision I never made.”

“You don’t…regret it?” Jester asked softly. Marion’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Regret what? My abortions? Or having you?” Jester pressed her lips together and stayed quiet. Marion wrapped her arms around Jester and pulled her close.

“I have never once, not for a single moment, regretted keeping you, my little Sapphire. Not even when you were screaming through the night because you were teething or when I was changing your clothes for the twentieth time that day because your diaper broke. Maybe a little when I was pushing you out.” Jester laughed weakly and wiped a tear from her eye.

“And the others?”

“I don’t regret not having them. Sometimes I feel a little sad, thinking maybe I missed out on having even more of the joy I felt having and raising you, but I don’t think I would have had that joy then, if I had those babies. I think I really wasn’t ready, and was I ready when you came along? Gods, no. I knew _nothing_. But I had a lot of people around to help me learn, and who loved me and supported me, and cheered me on. But that’s a different kind of not being ready.”

“I don’t think we have to worry about that,” Jester snorted. “Cayleb came home yesterday with every baby book in the city of Rosohna. We’re going to know everything, whether we like it or not.” Marion laughed.

“That doesn’t surprise me. But…ultimately, all I’m trying to tell you is that I had a lot of the same worries you’re having, if on something of a different scale, and you have a lot that I didn’t have then. Money, for one. Your father, for another - you know that if you need a place to keep your child safe, there is probably no safer place in all the world than wherever his hideout is. And me, of course. Caleb is committed. You have so much support, Jester. You do. Even if right now you feel very alone.”

“I do feel really alone,” Jester mumbled, letting her mother cradle her head against her chest.

“Do you want to know what I think about this? The simple yes or no part of it?” Jester nodded. “I think that if you didn’t want this child, we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all. Of the things I’ve heard you say, I’ve heard you express fear, and worry about the unknown, and the magnitude of the potential change. At no point did you say, ‘I don’t want to have a child.’ Or, ‘I don’t want to be a mother.’ Or, ‘I don’t want to have children with him.’ Everything you told me was about all the stuff _around_ a baby. The logistics, the change in your relationship and your life, whether or not you’re up for the task… Now, I’m not saying those things aren’t important. But none of them are ‘I don’t want it’. So that’s a useful bit of information to know for yourself.”

“I do want it,” Jester admitted. “I know at least part of me does. We’ve talked about this, we _want_ kids, _I_ want kids, with him.”

“But you’re worried you’re not ready.”

“But I’m worried I’m not ready. Or we’re not ready.”

“My love, ultimately, you have to decide whether you’re ready to take that leap, because you can’t prepare for every eventuality. You don’t know what it will be like until you do it and you can’t know in advance how you or Caleb or your relationship might change. Even your human library of a boyfriend can’t be prepared for everything parenting throws at you, I _promise_. That will be the case whether you have your first child now or later. But all of _that_ being said…that’s a good enough reason to say no to this, darling. You can’t logic your way into convincing yourself you’re ready to take on the unknown. You either are, or you aren’t. And I support you fully, if you decide not to carry through this pregnancy. You’re young, you have many more fertile years ahead of you. It won’t be your only chance to be a mother.”

“I love you, Mama,” Jester whispered, kissing her mom on the cheek. Her heart, for the first time all week, did feel stilled. She was glad she came.

“I love you too, Little Sapphire.”

Jester Sent to Caleb and spent the rest of the time, an hour and a half or so, with her mother, catching up, telling stories - her mother had lots of Chateau gossip to get her up to speed on, and she had much better, more dramatic, more detailed stories of their adventures. The door swung open and Caleb peered inside, Luc on his hip.

“Ladies,” he said, smiling. “I’ve returned with reinforcements.” Jester laughed and hopped up, and they all went upstairs to Marion’s apartment for dinner.

It was a joyous meal, and Marion had ordered many of Jester’s favorites from the kitchen. She was starving, and the heaps of couscous full of lamb and vegetables, stewed chicken and lentils, fresh sardines stuffed with herb relish and fried…Jester was in heaven. Fortunately, even the smell of the fish didn’t bother her stomach, and she scarfed down food like she hadn’t eaten in days.

“Ah, this is cooked, Frau Lavorre?” Caleb asked softly, when Marion passed them a plate of marinated cuttlefish - one of Jester’s favorites from home.

“No, it isn’t,” Marion said, and Jester happily spooned some onto her plate. “It’s fresh here, so we don’t have to.”

“Oh, _Schatz_ -“ Jester paused and looked up at him, and could see the discomfort on his face.

“Yes?” she asked. He leaned in to whisper in her ear.

“Um, maybe you know this already, but I was reading earlier in the book that you aren’t supposed to eat uncooked fish.” Jester almost laughed, at how deeply uncomfortable Caleb sounded, telling her she shouldn’t do something.

“Are you sure?” she asked. She’d never heard that before....

“Ah, _ja_ , I am, um, I just thought I should…tell you…” Caleb trailed off when he felt the glare of Veth’s eyes burning into the back of his head. He turned to look at her.

“Caleb, she is _pregnant!_ Let her eat what she wants, godsdammit!” Veth hollered, pounding her fist in her palm. Yeza’s eyes lit up.

“Oh that’s wonderful news!”

Veth clapped her hands over her mouth and Jester started laughing. Her mother quickly followed and Luc joined the two of them, without knowing what the laughing was about.

“Oh - oh I’m so sorry-“

“It’s fine, Veth,” Jester said, rolling her eyes with a smile. “It’s true, Yeza.”

“Oh congratulations! That’s so lovely to hear!”

Caleb grimaced apologetically at her, and Jester just shrugged. Yeza knowing she was pregnant wasn’t high on her priority list of problems to take care of right now.

“Ah, if I may,” Marion interjected gently, with an amused smile. “Of course it’s up to you, my love, but, Caleb, I ate this all through my pregnancy with Jester, I had cravings for it constantly. And she turned out wonderful, so… This close to the ocean, especially, it was probably caught this morning, I wouldn’t worry.”

“That’s probably why I like it so much,” Jester said through a mouthful of couscous. “I’ll just have a little bit,” she reassured Caleb. Given how badly she wanted to devour the entire plate, that felt like an acceptable compromise.

“Her body needs it,” Veth said. “She’s growing a whole person.” She tapped Yeza. “Remember when I was pregnant with Luc?” Yeza snorted.

“Yeah, for the first couple of months, if I tried to move food too far away from Veth she’d hiss at me like a feral cat. But the midwife _did_ say there was _some_ stuff you shouldn’t have been eating…”

“Yeah, like wine! She said I shouldn’t drink _wine!_ Like I was going to go through all that and not drink?”

“I feel like I’ve definitely heard that one before, Veth,” Jester laughed. “I don’t think she was just making that up.” Veth shrugged and gestured to Luc.

“I only had a little every now and then. Obviously he’s fine! She was just being a nervous Nellie.”

“You also don’t believe in contraception, so I suppose I’m not surprised,” Caleb teased.

“Yeah, well look how it worked for you!”

“Veth!” Jester exclaimed through her giggles, as Caleb put his head in his hands.

“I’m serious, I’m telling you, there’s no way it’s as effective as they say it is.” Veth popped a sardine into her mouth. “I’ve seen that man get knocked unconscious by a harsh breeze, I find it hard to believe his, uh, _contribution_ is _that_ strong.” Yeza started delicately disagreeing with Veth about the effectiveness of "the new stuff", based on his expertise as an alchemist, and Caleb and Jester were out of the hot seat.

“I cannot catch a break today,” Caleb sighed, gazing at Jester.

“Just think, you potentially only have ten more months of this from her,” Jester murmured.

“Gods help me.”

When they all finished dinner, they moved to the sitting area in front of the fireplace with sherry, except for Jester, and listened to Marion and Yeza filling Veth in on some of Luc’s activities while she was gone. Sleepy and full, Jester was curled up against the arm of the couch, watching Caleb laying on the rug with Luc. The boy had brought some of his wooden soldiers and Caleb was helping him fashion parachutes for them out of pieces of tissue paper and string. She occasionally heard bits of their conversation under the adults’ voices. He was asking Luc questions about each of his soldiers, encouraging him to make up stories about them. Luc was still little enough that fine motor tasks were hard for him, so Caleb tied the knots for the soldiers’ parachutes and helped Luc test them with repeated casts of a Gust cantrip. Watching him with Luc, Jester could easily imagine him interacting with their child, and the thought warmed her; powerful want bloomed in her chest, and she smiled sleepily to herself.

She must have nodded off on the couch, because when she woke up, everyone was speaking in hushed tones, carrying on their conversation low enough that she wouldn’t wake. Jester looked over at the other end of the couch and Caleb had Luc curled up against his chest. The little boy was asleep, clutching his parachute soldiers, mouth slightly open.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“It’s alright,” Veth whispered, “we should get going anyway. Luc’s been asleep long enough that Yeza should be able to carry him home without waking him.”

“I can bring him downstairs,” Caleb said, standing carefully so as not to jostle the boy too much. “If that’s helpful.”

“If you don’t mind,” Yeza said, “the stairs aren’t quite sized for us and it’s a little less smooth when I’m carrying him.”

 _“Ja,_ it’s no trouble.” Veth and Yeza bid Marion goodnight, and Caleb and Jester waved from the doorway.

“See you tomorrow, Mama,” Jester yawned, blowing a kiss.

Jester stayed at the top of the staircase, looking down over the balcony railing and waving while the Brennattos left. Caleb carefully peeled Luc off him at the bottom of the stairs and handed him off to Yeza.

“Hey, thanks a lot,” Yeza said. His tone was hushed but carried in the cavernous entryway. “He likes hanging out with you.”

“Ah, I like spending time with him, so it’s mutually beneficial.”

“And good dad practice, right?” Yeza said, clapping Caleb on the back as he hefted Luc up on his shoulder. “Congratulations again, by the way. There’s really nothing like it.”

“Thanks, Yeza,” Caleb said softly. “Have a safe walk home.”

Jester pulled out her sketchbook for a brief minute before sleep took her over.

_Dear You,_

_I’m kind of starting to like you. More on this important development tomorrow. (If you’re disappointed about this brief note, please consider not sucking up every ounce of my energy, and maybe I wouldn’t be too tired to write more. This would benefit us both.)_

_Yours,_

_Jester_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the continued support and feedback! It really helps! ❤️


	4. well i won't give up on us

Caleb knocked on the door of the apartment and waited, shifting back and forth. He heard the sounds of movement behind the door and - water splashing? After a moment, Yeza answered the door. His sleeves were rolled up and the front of his shirt was wet.

“Oh! Hi, Caleb, sorry, I wasn’t expecting you.” He turned to look behind him and Caleb saw Luc standing on a chair at the full sink with a blue paper boat in hand. “Come in, come in, we’ll be finished up here soon.”

“I don’t mean to intrude,” Caleb murmured, but he stepped through the door anyway and closed it behind him. Yeza shook his head and went back to where he’d been standing, next to Luc.

“You aren’t intruding at all, you’re always welcome here. I’m afraid Veth isn’t home at the moment, she’s out running some errands, but you’re welcome to wait here for her to come back.”

“Ah, if you have a bit of time to spare this afternoon, Yeza, I was actually looking for you.” Yeza turned, brow furrowed.

“Me?”

“ _Ja_ , only if you have the time of course.”

“Uh, sure, yeah, no problem. Let me just-“

“Come look at my boat!” Luc exclaimed and Caleb stepped over to his other side with a small smile.

“You made this?” Caleb asked. The boat was simple, folded paper in the shape of a canoe.

“Papa helped me, but I made it myself,” Luc said proudly. “And we just tested it and it floats!”

“This is a wonderful boat, you did a very good job.” Luc grinned up at him, gap-toothed and apple-cheeked.

“Papa’s going to take me to the ocean to sail it!”

“I don’t want to interrupt your plans with Luc,” Caleb started, looking at Yeza. “I was hoping to chat with you a bit, but if it’s not a good time, I can return later.”

“Will you come watch me sail my boat?” Luc asked, bouncing on his stool. “You and Papa can have grownup talk when we’re walking.”

“That’s a great idea, Luc,” Yeza said, smiling. “Is that alright, Caleb? We can talk on the beach?”

“That’s perfect, if you don’t mind me tagging along…”

“Not at all. Luc, go get your sandals on, okay?”

“Okay!” Luc scrambled down from his stool and ran to his room.

“Is everything alright?” Yeza asked softly, folding his arms and leaning closer to Caleb.

“ _Ja_ , I wanted to get your perspective, on some things that are on my mind.”

“Dad stuff?”

“More or less.”

“Oh, yeah, of course, happy to help.” Luc barreled back into the kitchen with his boat in hand and his sandals on, and the trio departed.

“Do you want to ride on my shoulders?” Caleb asked when they were out on the sidewalk, and Luc put his arms up, nodding eagerly. Caleb smiled and lifted the little boy up onto his shoulders. “Hold on tight, I don’t want you to fall.” He held Luc’s feet for extra security.

“Whoa, I can see _everything!”_

“You are the tallest now, so you have to say when you spot the beach, _ja_? Does your boat have a name? All good boats have to have names.” Luc hummed thoughtfully, turning his boat in his hands.

“Hmm…what aboooooout…Brennatto’s Best Blue Boat!”

“A boy after your mother’s heart,” Caleb laughed. “You know, when your Mama invents something new, she names it after herself too.”

“Really?” Yeza asked, with an amused smile. “Like what?”

“Ah, one of the first improvements Veth made on her crossbow was a spell, actually, that she created, to imbue her bolts with lightning. She named it Brennatto’s Voltaic Bolt.”

“No kidding,” Yeza laughed, shaking his head. “Wow. She’s something.”

“She certainly is.”

When they arrived at the beach, Luc was practically vibrating out of his sandals. Caleb bent down to roll up his pant legs and Luc leapt off his back, running at full speed toward the ocean.

“Slow down, buddy!” Yeza called. “I don’t want to miss your boat launch.” He rolled up his pants too and trotted after Luc. “I swear, sometimes I wonder if I could bottle that enthusiasm,” he said to Caleb as they followed the boy.

“You’d be a millionaire.”

Luc stood knee-deep in the surf, and held up his boat so Caleb and Yeza could see.

“Okay, ready? Watch! Are you watching?”

“Watching!” “Ready for launch, _Käpitan_.”

Luc went out as far as he could and set the boat out on the crest of a tiny wave, laughing and chasing after it as the boat rode the tide onto the sandy shore. Yeza and Caleb clapped and congratulated him, and then they might as well have been invisible as far as Luc was concerned, for all his attention was now on placing his boat on bigger and bigger waves and chasing it down the shore where it washed up.

“So what’s on your mind, Caleb?” Yeza asked gently, as they meandered down the shore to stay near Luc.

“What isn’t on my mind, would be a shorter question.” Yeza chuckled.

“Yes, I’m familiar with the ‘my wife is pregnant, oh gods, what am I doing, is this a terrible idea, I don’t know the first thing about being a father’ existential panic.” He paused. “I mean, I know you and Jester aren’t married, but…same panic, probably.”

“Same panic, _ja_. I actually was hoping to get your perspective on a sort of…unique aspect…of what we’re facing right now, as Veth’s husband. Something Jester has brought up a few times and is not inconsequential to me either, is the problem of our lifestyle. You know the lives we lead, and at least for the foreseeable future, if we have this child, at least one of us, sometimes both of us, would be absent for considerable periods. You have Luc on your own most of the time...what is that like, Veth not being around to raise him as much? I know it’s hard on her, not being here, but for you.” Yeza sighed, and was quiet for a moment while he considered his answer.

“Well, it’s definitely not always easy,” he started. “I won’t pretend it is. It’s usually not. There’s times, especially when he’s sick or when I need to discipline him, that I _need_ her here. In the tough moments, it’s hard to know if I’m doing the right thing without having her by my side to talk through it with me. I’m just making all the decisions by myself all the time. But that’s more my part. In terms of its impact on Luc…it’s hard to say. He misses his mother, that’s for sure. I do think it’s detrimental in some ways, for her to be gone so much, though thanks to you she’s able to be home a lot more. She misses a lot. Things like this.” He gestured out to Luc, giggling as a wave soaked his pants. “He’s not as close with her as he could be, because I’m the one around all the time. But, that wouldn’t be that way for you guys, right? I mean, if you don’t mind my asking. Are you talking about one of you staying home full time, or would you trade?”

Caleb contemplated Yeza’s question. They hadn’t really talked about that idea.

“We haven’t really discussed it. I imagine Jester would have to be home for a time, until the baby can eat solid food. But I would think then we would trade off when the group has to travel, one of us staying home, the other going. If we both really had to leave, there’s Jester’s mother. At least, that’s what I would like.” Yeza nodded.

“I think that could make it easier. Obviously, I haven’t got the kind of skills for us to do that. But if you can switch so it isn’t just _one_ of you taking on the solo parent role, that would be better, I think. And then the kid is getting time with both of you, there’s not one parent who’s always gone. That I think is the hardest thing for Veth. Being the one who’s not around.”

“I worry about the stability. It’s not good for a child, instability,” Caleb sighed. “If it were just about my goals, the things I want to accomplish, I could give that up, to raise our child. But it’s not just about me, I owe these people _everything_. I owe it to them to help them get where they want to go. And so many of these things we’re entangled in are bigger than us. You know that, Yeza, and I’m sure if you didn’t believe it you wouldn’t be making it work with Veth, the way you are.”

“I do believe it. I believe in what she’s doing, and that it’s important. And it’s not just you who owes this group. _I_ owe all of you, you and Jester in particular, Caleb, for bringing my wife back to us, when I’d lost hope that could happen. Luc doesn’t know it but he does too. If we have to give up having her around all the time, in order to pay back that debt, it’s more than worth it.”

“Thank you, Yeza, that means a lot,” Caleb said softly.

“All that to say, I agree that the things you’re doing as a group are important enough to justify a little instability. I mean…you see how Luc looks at his mother. At _all_ of you. You’re his heroes, Veth especially. When he’s older, he’ll understand why she couldn’t always be there. There’s no doubt in my mind. How could I ask for a better role model for my son than her?”

“You don’t think that it’s doing more harm than good, then.”

“If I thought that, I would take my son and go to the ends of the world to give him what he needed.” Caleb looked down at Yeza in surprise, but Yeza’s eyes were trained on Luc. “I love Veth more than myself, but if I thought this arrangement was harming my son? Having a child…it clarifies a lot of priorities. Nothing matters more to me than him.” Caleb nodded and the two men stood and watched the little boy silently. Luc was sitting in the surf, molding a castle with the wet sand.

“Thank you for your honesty, Yeza.”

“Can I say one more thing?”

“ _Ja_ , certainly.”

“Kids don’t just get stability from being in one place all the time with the same people. Stability for a kid means being loved and knowing they’re going to be taken care of, even as things around them are shifting. Between the two of you, Marion, us, the rest of the Mighty Nein - I don’t think your kid would ever doubt that. And, last thing, I promise, kids are resilient. I mean, look at Luc. He’s been through…more than a kid should have to. Being kidnapped, losing his mother, then losing me. It breaks my heart. And it has affected him, and I won’t lie and say I don’t worry about that. But I see such a bright, enthusiastic, strong little boy, and I know he’s gonna be okay.”

Caleb’s chest ached, gazing at Luc in the sand. He’d tamped down how badly he wanted to have this baby, tried not to get attached or excited for fear of what might happen, or of pressuring Jester. But he wanted it so much it _hurt_.

“I don’t know if any of that helps,” Yeza sighed. “It’s a big leap with a lot of unknowns, becoming a parent, and trust me, you never stop doubting yourself. I remember the first time I shouted at Luc, gods, the look on his face. I just remember thinking, can I get a do-over? I had a solid streak of good moments, on whatever the cosmic scales of fatherhood are, and that one moment where I lost my temper...it felt like that one thing upended it all, none of the good moments mattered because I yelled at him. He was ruined now and he was going to hate me forever.”

“Clearly that prediction came to pass,” Caleb chuckled.

“Right,” Yeza laughed. “But at the time it felt like an absolute fact. I was a shit father, I was sure of it. You’ll have lots of moments like that, because, it’s your baby. No matter how old, that’s your baby, and you want to get it right.”

“I think you are an excellent father, Yeza. Luc is lucky to have you both. Thank you for talking with me about this. It has helped.”

“Of course, I’m glad it helped clear your head a little. I know it’s a lot to process. By the time baby’s ready to come around, you’ll be going crazy with impatience.”

Caleb decided against telling Yeza that he wasn’t sure if they were going to have the baby. The last few days they’d been in Nicodranas, Jester had been talking a little more positively about it, crying less, but it was clearly still weighing heavily on her and she hadn’t said anything to him about being any closer to a decision. He didn’t need to expose her to more opinions or criticism. Worst come to worst, he could always say they’d lost it.

When Caleb returned to the Chateau, Jester wasn’t in their room. Figuring she was with Marion, Caleb showered and changed into clean, dry clothes and sat by the fire to read. Jester returned an hour later and greeted him with a big smile.

“Hi, _Liebling_ ,” he said, when she bent down for a kiss. “How are you feeling?” Jester wrapped her arms around his neck and looked over his shoulder at his book.

“Good! I’ve been drinking that tea Caduceus gave me and it’s honestly been really helping with my nausea. I was thinking maybe we could go out tonight, just you and me time.”

“Are you asking me on a date, Lavorre? I’m starting to think you might like me.”

“Oh, hush. Whatcha reading?”

“Yes, I’d really like to go out with you tonight, my love. Ah, this is the baby book. See, it says here that the baby is now the size of a sweet pea. That’s much bigger than last week.”

“What was it last week?” Jester mumbled, nuzzling into his shoulder.

“An orange seed. And now it looks like this.” Caleb pointed to an illustration that looked more like a bumpy kidney bean with poppy seed eyeballs than anything resembling a baby.

“Wow, that’s hideous.”

“Hey, that’s our baby you’re talking about,” Caleb laughed.

“Then they should know now. It’s a real bummer to go through life thinking you’re cuter than you are.”

“And what would you know about that, hmm?” Caleb asked with a grin, pulling her closer so he could kiss her. “Seeing as you’re the most beautiful woman who’s ever lived.” Jester giggled and sat down on the couch next to him.

“Enjoy it while you can, you’re not going to think that when I’m the size of a mammoth.” That made Caleb’s heart beat a little faster. She’d been dropping things like that into conversation the last few days, jokes or casual comments about “when” she was more pregnant or “when” the baby was here. He was trying not to get his hopes up, but he couldn’t help but see that as a sign that maybe she was warming to the idea of having the child after all.

“I _will_ think you are just as gorgeous,” he retorted, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “Because you will be just as gorgeous as you are now.”

“Even when we can’t have sex anymore because my belly’s in the way?” Caleb drew her in for a slow, languid kiss.

“In the way? We’ll just have to try some new positions. I think you’ve proven yourself more than capable of being creative in the bedroom, _Schatz_.” Jester giggled and leaned in to kiss him again.

“I love you,” she whispered. Her big blue eyes always reminded him of crisp mountain lakes, sunlight sparkling off the surface.

“I love you too,” Caleb murmured, and then her lips were on his, hungry, demanding. Caleb relaxed into her touch, her wandering hands and fierce kisses. She was getting so hot so fast, kissing him like she hadn’t been touched in weeks. He was startled, but more than willing, and when she sat in his lap, legs bracketing his hips, he barely had time to take a breath before she was devouring his mouth again.

“Someone’s eager,” Caleb laughed, surprised.

“This baby is making me so fucking horny,” Jester panted, already sliding her hands under his shirt and sucking a love bite into his neck. “It’s ridiculous.”

“Well if you need some relief, who am I to deny you?” Caleb breathed. His body was responding quickly to her, and she’d gone from flirty to very worked up astonishingly fast. Caleb cupped her breasts in his hands and massaged them just how she liked, but Jester hissed in a breath and jerked away.

“Ow!” Caleb pulled his hands back immediately.

“Are you alright?” he asked, confused. He wasn’t being rough with her at all, this was what she liked, usually…

“Yeah, sorry, they’re really tender. Just don’t squeeze them, okay? I couldn’t even lace my dress shut all the way this morning, I think they’re bigger than usual?”

Come to think of it, he had noticed her breasts looked a little different when she got dressed this morning. He thought maybe she just had a new bra, but now that he’d felt them, they did feel a little heavier in his hands. It was hard to remember exactly, with a lot of his blood distinctly not in his brain right now.

“I’m sorry, _Schatz_ ,” he murmured, kissing her softly. “Gentle touches only, no squeezing. Tell me if something doesn’t feel good.” Jester nodded and went back to kissing him, pushing his shirt up so she could run her hands over his chest.

Caleb couldn’t help but take her breasts in his hands again, mindful not to put pressure… Gods, they did feel a little bigger. Somewhere in the part of his brain that was still working, he was a little ashamed of being so turned on by that, since it was causing Jester discomfort. That feeling was quickly dismissed as his brain was reduced to essential functions only, when he pulled the front of her dress down and realized her nipples were also slightly more prominent, even compared to usual when she was aroused. Caleb took her nipple into his mouth, not sucking, just running his tongue around the swollen bud, and the _moan_ she let out…

Jester came faster than he’d ever made her during foreplay, and then again when they were having sex. When he woke up, about half an hour later, Jester was still sleeping, and Caleb gazed at her fondly. She was just so damn beautiful, and not only physically. When he looked at Jester, he felt like he was looking at one of the moons; her beauty was illuminated by the light of her spirit. He loved her so fucking much.

Quietly, so as not to wake her, Caleb put up one of his light globes and pulled out his journal.

_Meine liebe süße Erbse,_

_I must admit I have done a terrible job of not getting attached to you. Your mother has found me out and knows how much I want you. I hope you know how much she wants you too. She’s just afraid. I say that not because that is something small, but because it has nothing to do with you. I think she’s maybe coming around though. You must be very charming._

_Talking with Yeza today, I feel more hopeful that we can make this work. One or the other of us can stay back with you, when our group needs to go off and do something dangerous. Or you might stay with your grandmother, Marion, who I’m certain would spoil you beyond reason. I suppose you don’t know the group of which I speak. We call ourselves the Mighty Nein, and forming this little band of misfits is how your mother and I met. Someday I’ll tell you all about it, I hope. They don’t know about you yet, but when they do, they will be just some of the adults who are ready to love and support you._

_I worry about the effect it might have on you, meine Liebe, for you to be traveling so much and missing a parent at times. Yeza said he believes you will feel stable so long as you know you’re loved and that you’ll always be cared for; that stability isn’t about four walls and a picket fence. I hope he’s right. I hope too that one day, when you’re older and this adventuring part of our lives is over, you’ll understand why your mother and I had to do this. You’re too little to understand anything at all, and you’ll still be too little for a long time to understand where we’re running off to and why it’s so important. I told you before that the world is a hungry, terrible place, and it probably still will be, when (if…) you arrive, but we’re doing our damnedest to make it less hungry, and less terrible._

_I’ve always had the faint idea that I’m doing all of this because I want no more children on the pyre. (Your uncle Caduceus said that. He’s very wise and you should listen to the things he tells you). I never thought that I was making things right for my own children in particular, but that feels very clear to me now. I’m trying to make it right for_ _you_ _, kleine süße Erbse. I hope you’ll forgive us for our absences when you are able to comprehend why they were necessary. I want you to have a kinder soil to grow in than I did._

_According to the book, you have a heartbeat now. I wish I could hear it. It feels fitting that that a heart is the first real thing you get. If I could hope for anything, it’s that you will lead with your heart, like your mother does. She’s the most unreasonably kind person I’ve ever met, and loving her healed my broken heart. Use yours always, because if there’s one thing you must be without fail, it’s kind._

_In Liebe,_

_Caleb_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meine liebe süße Erbse // my dear sweet pea  
> kleine süße Erbse // little sweet pea


	5. even if the skies get rough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of miscarriage. Jester doesn't have a miscarriage, or a miscarriage scare, I promise, it's just discussed, but even that can be triggering for people, so I wanted to tag it. ❤️
> 
> Sorry for the wait + the short chapter. It's been a very harrowing week.

“You know how some people say being pregnant makes a woman sexier than ever?” Jester groaned, nursing her head over the toilet.

“I have heard that, yes,” Caleb called from the next room, where he was filling a glass of water for her. He came back and sat down next to her, rubbing her back.

“Obviously whoever said that has never actually _been_ pregnant, because between the vomiting, and the nausea, and the fatigue, and the bloating,I don’t see how that’s even remotely possible.” _And the constant discharge soaking my underwear, and the gas, and the constipation, and my vagina tasting weird._ She’d learned about that fun feature the last time she and Caleb had sex. After the initial surprise, he’d insisted he would get used to it and it wasn’t a problem, but she still didn’t love the idea that her pussy tasted like licking a silver piece.

“While you’re heaving probably isn’t a good time to tell you I think you’re just as beautiful as always, right?” Jester spat more bile into the toilet and reached out for a tissue to blow her nose. Acutely aware that her eyes were watering and nose was running, she glared at him.

“Probably not, because if I find out _this_ is what I always look like, I’m going to walk straight into the ocean.” Caleb tried to hold back a laugh and failed, and Jester managed a weak chuckle herself - before her head spun and pounded and forced her back over the toilet bowl. She took deep, even breaths and tried to ground herself, focusing on the feeling of Caleb’s hand running down her back, rhythmic and comforting.

“When the fuck am I supposed to stop puking?” Jester mumbled.

“According to the book? It said usually that stops around week twelve or fourteen.” Jester cursed colorfully.

“We’re on week _eight_.” Caleb made a sympathetic noise and kept rubbing her back.

“I know, _Schatz,_ I’m sorry.”

And six of those weeks she hadn’t even known she was pregnant. So really, she’d only been pregnant for two weeks, in terms of how long she’d been dealing with this nausea. Another four weeks felt like an absolute impossibility.

“I just hope it’s okay, you know? Like it’s probably not good for it if I can’t keep any food down.”

“I’m sure it is,” Caleb murmured, pulling her hair back from around her face. “It’s the size of a raspberry now. How much could a raspberry need to eat?”

“I don’t know, how much would you need to eat to double in size every week?”

“I’m much bigger than the baby, _Schatz_.” She couldn’t argue with that.

At this point, Jester wasn’t ready to say yet to Caleb that they should have it, but she wasn’t really considering an abortion anymore. They’d fallen into an easy pattern of treating it like a sure thing - even though Jester knew it wasn’t, with or without a potion’s intervention - and Jester knew they would have to officially have the conversation and say for sure, yes, they were doing this. And then telling the rest of the Nein, before they found out on their own. That Veth had kept it a secret from everyone but Yeza for this long was frankly astonishing, and Jester didn’t count on that streak of luck continuing. On top of that, her morning sickness was, in her opinion, excessive. Eventually they would run out of excuses for why she was, some days, in the bathroom more hours than she was out of it.

Caduceus was a lifesaver these past two weeks. He hadn’t asked Jester a single question about her plans; his attitude was, she was pregnant now, and whether or not she stayed that way was irrelevant to her immediate needs. Constance Clay was also an excellent source of help and advice, in terms of her health. In addition to adjusting Caduceus’s tea recipe, Constance had advised she dab peppermint oil on a handkerchief and smell it to ease her headaches, and to start doing squats in the morning to strengthen her thighs. When Jester asked skeptically if that was really already necessary, Constance had laughed uproariously and assured her that when she went into labor, she’d probably wish she’d started sooner.

Caduceus adjusted the group meals he made in accordance with his mother’s advice too, adding nuts into morning oatmeal, boiling eggs to keep in the fridge, and, much to Jester’s dismay, serving more beans and lentils than she knew what to do with. The baby books suggested things like grapefruit and sunflower seeds as healthy snacks for when she was keeping food down, but when she actually had an appetite, she craved things like shrimp buns and fried cheese-filled flatbreads and big bowls of creamy pasta. Caleb knew far better than to argue with her on the issue, after the first time she’d said she was craving chocolate cake and he’d asked if she wanted a handful of peanuts. One look from her and he was putting his shoes on to see if the bakery was still open.

Jester was surprised how much her body was already changing at this early stage, even though she wasn’t showing yet. Her clothes were just a little too tight around the stomach, which surprised her, and she’d taken to wearing dresses instead of skirts and pants that needed to button shut. Lately she’d been fascinated that she was able to feel her womb if she pressed on her lower belly, as it expanded to make room for her little co-pilot. When she’d discovered that, she was lying in bed, sketching, and tapped Caleb’s arm excitedly.

“Cayleb, feel!” She put his hand over her stomach and showed him where to press. Caleb beamed at her, overjoyed, and kissed her.

“Wow…there it is, huh?”

“You’re the smartest person I’ve ever met and that’s all you can think to say?” Jester teased.

“Yep,” he said simply, resting his head on her shoulder. He petted her stomach gently and they just laid there together in comfortable silence, lost in their own thoughts.

Those physical signs were the things that were making it real for Jester. She knew it was real from the start, the missed period, the nausea, those were physical signs, but this was different. Her belly was swelling to the point where she couldn’t button her skirts because her womb was growing along with her baby. Actually being pregnant was something she’d finally accepted; the part where she would end up with a baby in her arms and be a mother, she wasn’t quite there. She had only put aside the idea of having the abortion when she felt pretty sure that, given the number of months they had to prepare, she would eventually get there.

The moment Jester knew for certain she was ready to talk wasn’t a lightning bolt, or a particularly dramatic moment. It was about a week later; they were on the road, and Jester had never been so grateful for Caleb’s tower, or teleportation. She recalled the early days of their traveling, bouncing around in an uncomfortable wooden cart, exhausted just from sitting down all day. She couldn’t imagine she could do that right now, not without giving her condition away. Just thinking about the old cart made her queasy. As it was, she was barely able to stay up past 8:00, with their jam-packed days and her extreme fatigue. Veth and Caduceus looked out for her, subtly, and volunteered for tasks so she could rest, or acted like they were just as tired as she was so her exhaustion didn’t stick out. Veth had taken to asking if Caleb could polymorph Jester into something small and furry to sit around her shoulders and keep her warm, and Jester managed to get a midday nap in that way most days.

When Jester went looking for Caleb, Beau had told her she thought she saw him going into Fjord’s room a little while ago. Jester floated up and knocked loudly.

“Fjooooord! Caaaayleb! If you guys are making out in there I won’t be mad! Except maybe a little cause I wasn’t invited!” Caleb opened the door as she finished the last sentence, greeting her with an amused smile, and decidedly not making out with Fjord.

“I think you might be sorely disappointed, if that’s what you were expecting, _Schatz_.”

“Can I come in then? What are you guys doing?” Fjord ambled up behind Caleb.

“Cay asked me to show him some knots, so I was giving a little lesson. If you want to come in.” Jester looked at him quizzically but followed the men over to the table where Fjord had a few lengths of rope laid out and there were a few complex looking knots already in them. She took a seat and watched them.

“Want to try?” Fjord asked, holding out a rope. She shook her head.

“Nah, I’ll just watch.” Caleb picked up the rope they’d been working on and pulled the loop he’d made.

“So this one doesn’t seem very secure, if it can move.”

“Well that depends on what you’re using it for,” Fjord explained. “If you’ve got enough tension in the taut side, it should grip.” He put his hand through the loop. “Tug on the end.” Caleb did and the knot stuck, once the loop was secured around Fjord’s wrist.

“I didn’t know you were practicing on each _other_ ,” Jester said with a mischievous grin. “I could give you privacy, in that case.” Both men chuckled and Caleb tugged the rope a little harder, catching Fjord off balance. Fjord slipped the rope off his wrist and handed it back.

“Is that the kind of thing you’re looking for?” he asked. He was unperturbed by the teasing, after all this time.

“Hmm, I don’t like that it can move,” Caleb said. “It is flexible, but I really want something much more secure.”

“Well, I can teach you something that really can’t be untied, but it’s a bit complicated…” Fjord led Caleb through the tying of something he called a constrictor knot, and Jester watched, weirdly entranced by the complexity of the loops and pulls that came together to form the binding.

“If you want to work on that, I’m just going to run to the bathroom,” Fjord said, and Caleb nodded, concentrating hard on practicing the tying.

“What are you _doing?”_ Jester asked, keeping her voice down. “What’s this for?”

“I want to make a hammock,” he murmured, picking the end of the thin rope out to start again. Jester furrowed her brow.

“A hammock?”

“ _Ja_ , my father made one when my mother was pregnant with me and she said the baby hammock was the only thing I would sleep in besides bed with them. But I want it to be secure, and Fjord was a sailor, so…” Caleb held up the rope. “Knots.” Seeing Jester’s blank stare, he reassured her, “I didn’t say that’s what it was for, I said I wanted to put one in the yard at the Xhorhaus.”

Jester nodded and watched quietly. Fjord came back not a minute later and continued helping Caleb learn the steps to tie this knot. She really couldn’t say what it was about that moment, just watching him write the steps down in his notebook, pull the rope out and start over, that made her ready. But something clicked into place, like a puzzle piece, and yes, this was it, and she was ready to stop pussyfooting around.

The rest of their time away from home, Jester was nothing but on edge. She wasn’t nervous about the conversation, she knew Caleb would be elated. She just wanted to have it, to talk and get everything she was feeling now out in the open. They hadn’t spoken about it, not _really_ , in weeks, not since Nicodranas, and Jester could tell Caleb was desperate to know for sure what she wanted to do. Yes, he was understanding, and patient, and didn’t ask, just trusted her to work it out and didn’t want to pressure her, but after this many years of living and adventuring together, now so much of that time as a couple, she could read him like a book. Caleb was the kind of person who didn’t offer his opinion unless asked, when it came to internal struggles, and once he’d given it, didn’t give it twice, the way so many people did when they were just hoping you’d make the choice they thought you ought to make. He’d said what he thought about having the baby, and he wouldn’t repeat himself unless she asked. That didn’t mean he wasn’t losing sleep wondering where her head was. She was, and would be forever, grateful that he’d given her space, and now that she was confident she’d come to a decision, she had to share it with him, so he could let himself get excited, and stop walking on pins and needles half-expecting her to break bad news to him.

It was late, the day they returned to the Xhorhaus, and Jester was beat, but she couldn’t wait any longer. She made a beeline for their room and sat on the edge of the bed, waiting. Caleb followed shortly after, yawning and already taking his hair down and pulling his shirt off for bed as he nudged the door shut. One look at her face, though, and he was alert.

“Jester? Is everything alright?”

“Can we talk?”

She saw it, the devastation, and nausea rose in her stomach again. Even though she knew it wasn’t what he thought, even his temporary hurt stuck in her gut like a knife.

“ _Ja, Liebling_ , of course.” He sat next to her and held her hand, giving her his full attention. “What do you want to talk about?”

Gods, she loved him so much. Looking at him, ready for her to break his heart, but with just as much love in his eyes as ever, solidified that she was making the right choice. They were going to do this, and they’d do it together, as a team. While they wouldn’t be perfect at it, and she wasn’t sure about her ability to rise to the challenge yet, he was more than capable and more than ready.

“I think we should do it.” Her voice was barely audible. Caleb’s face lit up.

“You think we should…?”

“Have the baby. I want to have the baby.” Caleb pulled her close and kissed her desperately, stroking the sides of her face.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he breathed, kissing her again. “Really? You’re sure?”

“I’m sure,” she whispered, her voice weak with tears. “Yeah, I’m really sure. I want to do this. With you, Cayleb. I love you so much.”

“You’re the love of my life, Jester… I didn’t think…I never thought I could have this.”

“A kid?” Jester asked, running her hands through his hair.

“Any of it. To ever be able to love anyone as much as I love you, and for someone as incredible as you to love me too, and then to have a _child_ with someone so amazing…it’s overwhelming.”

“I love you, baby,” Jester sighed. “And you deserve every bit of it.”

“And so do you, my love. You’ll be a wonderful mother. As wonderful as you are with anything you do.”

“I hope you’re right,” Jester laughed feebly. “I don’t feel really up to the task.”

“Me neither. We’ve got lots of time to study, though.” Caleb kissed her forehead. “I love you. I’m so happy. I’m _so_ happy.”

“I love you too,” Jester murmured, wrapping her arms around his neck. The more of his skin she felt on hers, the more hot arousal started flowering in her core. She started unbuttoning her dress, still kissing him, and Caleb hummed in appreciation as he cupped her breasts. Jester grinned and pulled him tighter against her.

“You know, that Counterspell you pulled earlier was really fucking sexy…”

~~~

In the morning, Jester and Caleb were loathe to get out of bed. She was, thankfully, not nauseous, although she peed about one hundred times in the middle of the night, a fun new symptom now that her uterus was getting big enough to press on her bladder. Jester was sure her body would start raising alarm bells sooner rather than later that she needed to go again, but for now, she was content to lie in bed, snuggled up against Caleb’s chest, breathing in his familiar scent and relishing the feeling of his arms holding her close. Caleb stroked her hair in a soothing pattern, one arm around her shoulders, the other around her hips. She could feel the firm ball of her womb pressed between their bodies, and even she wasn’t strong enough to resist the sappy thought that they were cradling their baby already.

“Hey, baby?” Caleb whispered into her hair.

“Hmm?”

“I think, if you’d like to come…I would maybe like to go back to Blumenthal.”

_Hi Olive,_

_(The baby book says that’s how big you are now, so that’s what I’m calling you. It would be a cute name but it’s too early for that.) I’m sorry it took me so long to decide to keep you. I know you’re probably super insulted by that, but it’s not personal, like I’ve said before. There’s a lot that I was scared of, and a lot I’m still pretty scared of. It’s not like I came up with some grand plan that solved for all those things and so now I’m ready to go. It was more of just a feeling. Either way, I’m glad we’re on the same page now about you being here._

_I really can’t believe how fast these last couple of weeks have gone. You’ve already been in me for nine weeks. I didn’t know about you for six of those, so you know, but still. Just three more weeks and we can tell the Nein. It probably seems silly and arbitrary, but that’s when the books said you were more of a sure thing, so we thought we should wait. I’m realizing the more I read about miscarrying that that’s part of why I was so scared to say yes to you for sure. I’m more afraid than I wanted to admit that I might get super attached to you and then lose you. I’m definitely scared of that, but I didn’t realize how much it was influencing me until I noticed how relieved I am every day and week I can mark off that you’re still here. Caleb said his mom had a few miscarriages and they devastated his parents every time. I can’t imagine what that would be like. Now that I’ve decided I want you to stick around, I’d appreciate it if you did._

_Speaking of Dad-_

_I wonder what are you going to call us? I figured I’ll just be Mama but I guess there’s all kinds of stuff I could be. Mom, Mum, Mommy - ew, I don’t like any of that. It sounds so weird to call Caleb “Dad”, but it’s weird for me to call him Caleb to you, right? I guess I could say “your” dad or “your” father. I don’t even know if “dad” suits him. He seems like he should be something else. Father is so stiff, that’s not right at all. Dad is…I don’t know. Papa? Maybe. That sounds so old to me. Like a grandpa name. But I didn’t have a dad as a kid, so I don’t know. I’ll have to ask him what he wants to be._

_Oh shit. Grandpa. Your grandpa doesn’t know. Oh balls._

_A problem for a month from now._

_Anyway, speaking of your daddy, he wants to go back to where he lived when he was a kid. I don’t think he’s been there since his parents died, but he wants to take me there. (Us, I guess. You’re coming along whether you like it or not). See the spot where his farm was. It’s a big step for him and I’m really proud._

_I hope when you’re old enough to appreciate it you’ll be proud of him too. Your auntie Veth once said to me that she thinks of him like a little baby phoenix, crawling out of the ashes, but I don’t think that’s quite right. A phoenix just happens, when it’s reborn, that’s out of its control. Caleb had to choose to remake himself, even though it was hard, and painful, and he chose not only to do that, but to make himself into someone so loving and kind when being cruel would’ve been easier. He’s come so far and been through so much since I met him, and even though he doesn’t believe it, he’s the strongest person I’ve ever met. I’m a little bit biased, obviously, because if I didn’t think that I wouldn’t be having a baby with him. Regardless, I hope you’ll agree one day that my opinion here is pretty objectively correct. (Your parents are always correct, actually, about everything, at least until you’re grown, so…)_

_Yours,_

~~_M_ ~~

_Jester_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of love to you guys for continuing to read and support! 🥰


	6. i'm giving you all my love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, TW for mentioned miscarriage. (Shouldn't come up again!) Skip the paragraph w/ the first 3 words underlined if you prefer to skip that.

The rest of week nine, and weeks ten and eleven, were much smoother for Jester than the preceding four, and Caleb was grateful for that. While he’d never breathe a word to Jester, knowing it was obviously much harder for her, her hourly trips to the bathroom woke him too, and he hated seeing her curled up over the toilet bowl, eyes watering as she vomited _again_. On top of the vomiting itself being unpleasant, there were plenty of days where she was hungry, but couldn’t keep down a single morsel she tried to eat. He made her toast, bowls of plain rice, bought her crackers, the blandest, gentlest foods either of them could think of, and there were still very rough days when she barely got a few bites in before she was running off to the bathroom again. The endless frustration and stabbing hunger combined with stomach cramps brought her to tears on more than one occasion, and there was little that made Caleb feel worse than seeing Jester cry, especially when he couldn’t do anything about it.

These last weeks had been much better. Jester was eating normally again - aside from her strange cravings. Caleb had come to anticipate being sent out on a moments notice nearly every other day, though he couldn’t possibly predict for what. Cake was definitely a frequent request, but it could just as easily be stir-fried noodles first thing in the morning. Once he’d gone all the way to Nicodranas to get a spicy beef soup with dumplings the chef at the Chateau made. This had been one of those spells when Jester hadn’t been able to keep a single thing down for at least a day and a half, and Caleb would’ve gone to the moons to get her whatever she thought she could stomach. Bluud had informed Marion of Caleb’s unannounced visit and she came down to have tea with him while he waited for the soup to be done.

“I’d ask how she’s doing, but you’re here waiting to carry a pot of Garwrick’s goulash back to the Dynasty, so I think I can guess,” the Ruby said with a wry smile.

“Ah, _ja_ , astute as always, Bubbe,” Caleb murmured.

“If that means _grandma_ , I’ll have Bluud toss you right out on the street,” Marion warned, and that made Caleb laugh, which made Marion laugh. “I’m not a grandmother until I’ve got that babe in my arms.”

“Understood,” he chuckled. “She’s doing well, overall. The nausea has been a challenge. She’s hardly eaten in a day and then some, which is why I’m here. If she thinks she can keep this soup down, I’m more than happy to get it for her.”

“I remember that part,” Marion sighed. “I spent quite a bit of my first months in the bathroom too. And with terrible cravings, is she having those?”

“Oh, certainly,” Caleb said. “The late night sausage vendors in our neighborhood have come to know me quite well.”

“I had absolutely fierce cravings…for the strangest things, too, dishes I never ate. Rice and fried ham, fried dough, jam cookies… I suppose it shouldn’t be a surprise that she came out with such a sweet tooth. I’m glad she has you, though, Caleb. I mean that.” Marion smiled gently at him and Caleb smiled back.

“Thank you, Marion. That means a lot. I can imagine it was a challenge, going through what Jester is going through on your own.” She nodded.

“Yes,” Marion sighed. “It was. I know, ah, last time we met, I spoke about the difficulty raising her on my own, and that was true, but going through the pregnancy and birth on my own was really…” Marion gazed at her teacup for a long moment. “It was hard. By the time Jester was born, I’d accepted that I was alone. When I was pregnant, I hadn’t realized that yet. All I wanted was someone to hold _my_ hair over the toilet and help me the way you’re helping her. It warms my heart to see that she has that.”

“I’m sorry you didn’t.” Marion smiled sadly.

“Well, it was a long time ago now. Water under the bridge.”

When Caleb returned home with the pot of soup Jester had wanted, she almost cried taking the first bite. He was surprised her sensitive stomach could handle something so rich and spicy, but he watched her down bowl after bowl of the peppery soup and fall fast asleep, happy and full, in the middle of the afternoon.

Through all the unpleasantness Jester was experiencing, Caleb couldn’t help but be in awe of her. She was so tired, and it was because her body was building a _person_. Every moment they were just walking around, doing their everyday things, or even as they were running around like lunatics solving (or more likely causing) mayhem, or when he gazed at her as she slept, her body was helping their little one grow. It made sense that she needed all this rest; based on everything he was reading, how each part of the baby’s brain was developing in turn, how the bowels had to form on the _outside_ of the stomach and then move inside and arrange themselves in the right order - he had no idea the whole operation was so complex. That she was conscious for even part of the day seemed incredible, let alone everything else she did. He was so lucky.

“What are you thinking about? You’re quiet, _Liebling_ ,” Caleb noted. He took the clothespins she handed him and hung the rug from the clothesline. Jester sighed.

“It’s probably time to break the big news to the group, right?”

“I think that’s up to you,” Caleb replied, evenly, though his heart was racing. “I support you if you want to do it now, if you want to wait, I support that too.”

“Can you help me make a decision here, please?” Jester snapped, and Caleb frowned, taken aback by the edge in her voice.

“If you want my opinion, then yes, I think now is a good time. What’s the matter, Jester?”

“I just don’t understand why you can’t just _tell_ me what you think we should do! This isn’t _my_ thing, this is _our_ thing, and you’re always leaving me to make all the choices alone! What do you mean, if I want your opinion?! I’m glad that you trust me but I can’t do it all by myself! Is this how it’s going to be when we actually have it? I’m going to have to make all the decisions and you’ll just follow my lead all the time?”

Her voice was getting louder and louder, and Caleb glanced around quickly to make sure nobody else was in the yard with them. He stared at her in surprise and took a breath before responding. He didn’t want to match her keyed up energy and risk really getting in a fight.

“No, that isn’t going to be how it is. I’m sorry if you feel that I’m not helping you make decisions with regards to this, but I _do_ want to support whatever you want to do. If I have a strong opinion I will tell you, you know that.”

“So you don’t have any strong opinions about these _huge_ decisions?! It just feels like you don’t even care!” Okay, now his hackles were up. Caleb crossed his arms and turned fully towards her.

“Jester, how can you _possibly_ say that?” he said sharply. “Are you _trying_ to pick a fight?” Jester tossed the bag of clothespins on the ground.

“Just leave me alone!” she cried, her voice already teary, and stomped off.

Caleb stared as she marched back into the house, still holding the rug beater in one hand. Indignant, he shook himself out of his paralysis and started on the task they’d come out here to do. He knew Jester well enough now to know that when she said “leave me alone”, she meant it. He’d check on her in a bit, but he’d learned the hard way that unlike in his previous relationship, when Jester huffed off during a fight, she wasn’t hoping he’d come after her to make up. Jester and Caleb rarely fought, especially stupid little spats like that, and the whole thing left a bitter ache in his stomach.

 _What was_ that _about? Is she right? Am I not involved enough? It’s not like I don’t have opinions, but she’s the one carrying it, she should get to make most of the decisions about these things. How could she accuse me of not caring? That couldn’t be further from the truth, and she must know that. She can’t really think I’m going to be an indifferent father, right?_

Caleb cursed under his breath as he knocked the dirt out of the entryway rug, stuck between being upset over Jester’s insinuations and worried that maybe she was right.

 _I mean, if she feels that way, then that matters, doesn’t it? Even if she’s making assumptions about what’s motivating it. I can be more involved, I guess, if she needs me to be. Give my opinion more. I don’t want her to feel like she’s got all this on just her shoulders._ Am _I going to be a bad father? If I can’t trust myself enough to give my opinion to my own partner?_

Caleb sat down against the tree that held the clothesline and summoned Frumpkin. That day with Yeza, weeks ago, replayed in his mind.

_“In the tough moments, it’s hard to know if I’m doing the right thing without having her by my side to talk through it with me. I’m just making all the decisions by myself all the time.”_

“Am I going to do that to her? Be here without being here?” Caleb asked Frumpkin, petting him absentmindedly.

It frightened him, how easily he could picture himself incapacitated by indecision, how easy it would be for him to just follow Jester’s lead. But what was the alternative? She was good, and capable, and nurturing, and he… Caleb squeezed his eyes shut and leaned his head back against the bark, trying to let the thoughts go by without getting sucked into their gravitational orbit.

_You only know how to ruin, you have a heart made of stone and broken glass, you can’t love the way you ought to be able to, you’re going to ruin her, all of them, your innocent little baby, they’re all going to be ruined, gone, burnt to ash, you don’t know how to nurture-_

“That was true once, but I’ve learned,” he murmured softly to himself.

He reminded himself, as he did in these moments, letting the whisper of Frumpkin’s fur against his palm soothe his racing pulse, that he’d grown, and how often he’d been so very wrong in his predictions for his own future. He didn’t think he could get close to anyone again, and then he met Veth. He didn’t think he could have friends anymore, and then he met the Nein. He didn’t think he could love, and then he stumbled and found himself in love with Jester. He didn’t think he could be loved in return, and then she kissed him that night under the stars and said she wanted him. He didn’t think he’d have a family again after he destroyed his own, and now he had a group of people any one of whom he’d die for, and he was going to be a father. If there was anything Caleb was truly terrible at, it was divining what was in store for him.

“Should we go find Jester?”

Predictably, Frumpkin didn’t respond.

When Caleb returned to their room, Jester was huddled in a ball on their bed, curled around a pillow. His heart ached to see her tear-streaked and flushed face, and a deep chasm of inadequacy threatened to open up and swallow him. He tried to push it back and sat down on the bed next to her silently, and reached out to brush his hand lightly over her cheek.

“Hey, you okay?” Caleb asked. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” Jester mumbled. “I shouldn’t have yelled.”

Caleb toed his shoes off and climbed up into bed next to her, nestling into the familiar spooning position they often fell asleep in. His palm found the round of her belly and his fingers splayed against it. He thought he could detect a fluttering little heartbeat under his fingers, but he knew it was Jester’s, or his imagination. Being able to feel her heart beating filled him with nearly as much gratitude, despite how often he’d heard it. At three months along, Jester was starting to show a little, at least to his eyes. Caleb didn’t think anyone had noticed, not even Veth or Caduceus, who knew that Jester was pregnant. In all likelihood, he saw it because he knew her body better than anyone but her, and because he wanted to see it, yet more tangible proof that this was really happening. Still, it wouldn’t stay that way. He could imagine Jester might be feeling some pressure about making the announcement, knowing that at some point the choice would be taken out of her hands.

“You’re right,” he said, and broke the silence. “I have been leaving a lot of decisions up to you. I’m sorry.”

“I know it’s because you love me, and trust me,” Jester sighed. “But it’s a lot of weight to have on just me, Cayleb.”

“No, you’re right,” Caleb admitted. “But it has been because I want you to have exactly what you want, when it comes to a lot of these decisions. I didn’t realize that felt like I was putting the pressure on you to make the choice alone. I didn’t intend that.”

“I know you didn’t, baby,” Jester said, laying her hand over his and lacing their fingers together. “I know. I’m sorry I said you don’t care. Or that you were going to leave me to do it all alone.”

“Ah, _ja_ , that hurt,” he said softly, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. “That hurt me a lot, to think you imagine I’ll be an uninvolved father. And that I don’t care about you, or our child.”

“I don’t think that, Cayleb, I really don’t,” Jester assured him, apologetic. “I don’t. I just felt…overwhelmed. It still wasn’t right for me to say that.”

“If you want me to give my opinion more often, _Schatz_ , if that would be helpful, I will. I think, ah, it’s been hard for me to express my views, sometimes, because…I don’t know, you are so capable. What could you need my input for? You know?”

“Just because I can do it alone, doesn’t mean I want to,” she whispered, snuggling into his arms. “Sometimes I need you to reassure me that I’m doing the right thing, or the smart thing. I want your input, Cayleb. We’re doing this _together_. I _need_ your help.”

“No, you’re right,” Caleb agreed. “I thought I was being helpful by getting out of your way.”

“I know,” she said gently, and shifted around to face him. “I know, because that’s what you do. And I love you, but you do do that. It was one of the things that made me fall in love with you, how much you trust me. You helped me find my self-confidence and learn how to trust myself. But if I didn’t think _you_ also know what to do a lot of the time, I wouldn’t be your girlfriend. And the mother of your child.” _I want you to be my_ wife.

“I’m sorry for making you feel like…you have to do it alone,” Caleb said, the guilt burning powerfully in his chest. “I didn’t mean to. I’ll step up more, I will.”

“Because you know I’ll tell you to fuck off if I don’t want your input,” Jester said, a teasing smile lifting the corners of her mouth.

“Yes, I certainly do know that,” he chuckled. “I learned that the first time I suggested you eat some nuts when you were having a craving for cake.”

“It could be worse, I could hiss like Veth apparently did when she was pregnant,” Jester giggled. They both laughed and cuddled quietly, comfortably, and Jester purred in contentment.

“Do you want to tell the Nein?” Caleb asked, breaking the silence, though he was loathe to do so. “Because we can wait. I feel at some point the choice will be made for us, so we can’t wait too long, but…”

“I feel like every day that Veth manages to keep it to herself is a miracle,” Jester grumbled. “So yeah. Every day we run the risk of not having control over how we do this. And I’m getting fat. Someone’s bound to notice.”

“You’re not getting fat,” Caleb scoffed. “You barely have a bit of roundness in your stomach. And you’re just getting more beautiful all the time.”

“You’re just saying that because my boobs are bigger.”

“I don’t _mind_ that…”

“I might get fat, you know. You won’t want me anymore.”

“I’ll still think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life, and that I’m the luckiest man in the world getting to wake up next to you every day.”

And gods, did he mean it. He knew Jester didn’t believe him, and wouldn’t no matter how often he said it, but he could imagine Jester a hundred pounds heavier and couldn’t imagine thinking she was anything less than stunning. Her body would change, inevitably, whether she was pregnant or not, years transmuted everyone, but that wouldn’t dim the light that made her as gorgeous as she was. He neglected to say that the thought of her, glowing and round with their child, made him ready to worship her like a goddess, and that he was certain he would only want her more as the months went on. That felt like a thought to keep to himself.

“Thanks, baby,” Jester murmured, bringing him in for a kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too. How do you want to do this?”

Jester sat up and started excitedly sharing her ideas, tail pattering on the bed beside her. Caleb tried very hard to listen, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how much he wanted to pull that ring out of his bag.

~~~

“So guys,” Jester announced at dinner. “I want to play a game.”

“Oh gods,” Fjord laughed.

“No need to sound so excited, Fjord,” Jester said, sticking her tongue out.

“Just never know what to expect when you say you want to play a game. What is it?” Jester put her fork down, wiggling with excitement in her seat.

“Okay, so Cayleb helped me earlier, I made a scavenger hunt! Do you guys want to play? It’s for everyone!” The Nein looked around at each other and shrugged and nodded, and Caduceus had a lazy smile spreading over his face as he, most likely, figured out what they were up to. Caleb kept his face carefully neutral; Jester was beaming like crazy, but that was normal enough for her that he didn’t think it gave anything away.

“How’s it work?” Yasha asked.

“There’s envelopes hidden around in every room with bits of paper in it, and they have like, parts of a message, and you have to find them and put them in the right order, and then you win!”

“What’s the prize?” Beau asked, crossing her arms.

“I can’t tell you yet, you have to find the message!” Jester said, her voice rising in excitement. “Person who finds the most pieces wins!” As soon as dinner finished, the Nein jumped up and ran off to find the envelopes Jester and Caleb had hidden. Within minutes, Caleb could hear the muffled sounds of Veth shrieking at Fjord to get out of that drawer, because she saw it first and it wasn’t fair that her legs were shorter. Jester couldn’t stop smiling and grabbed his face, kissing him fiercely.

“I’m so excited,” Jester whispered. “They’re gonna flip out.”

“They are. Your idea was very clever. I think they’ll love it.”

“Can I get the cake while they’re looking?”

“By get the cake, do you mean eat the cake?”

“No!” Jester exclaimed, indignant. “I mean get it and set it up all nice and make tea and if I happen to get a little bit of frosting on my fingers then I think I earned eating it.” Caleb laughed and kissed her palm.

“I think you most certainly did.”

They retreated to the kitchen and Jester took the orange spice cake out of the icebox that she’d bought earlier to celebrate.

“You don’t think anyone’s gonna be like, mad, right?” Jester murmured, taking plates down from the cabinet.

“ _Mad?_ No, I don’t think anyone will be _mad,_ what do you mean?”

“I don’t know, like for not thinking of the group I guess?” Caleb furrowed his brow and snapped a fire onto the stove to boil water.

“I don’t think anyone will feel that way. And if they do then they and I will have words.” That seemed to soothe her, and she was back to smiling again.

“Yeah, no, you’re right, I think it’ll be great.”

It wasn’t long, maybe 35 minutes, before the various other members of the Nein returned to the dining room, tossing envelopes on the table until there were five in a pile.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Beau shouted, taking control of the situation. “We’re gonna open this shit up, and we’re gonna do things in an orderly fashion, okay?”

“The Mighty Nein? Not being orderly?” Caleb asked dryly, and placed the steaming kettle on the table. They ripped open the envelopes and pulled the papers out.

BY

ING

WE AR

A BA

E HAV

The table was cacophonous as everyone interjected where they thought the different parts were supposed to go.

“Wearing?”

“No, obviously not-“

“Bying?”

“That’s not how you spell that!”

“Ingby isn’t a WORD-“

Caleb felt Jester’s hand reach out and squeeze his excitedly. He propped his chin in his other hand and just gazed at her while she watched them scramble. _Gods, I love you so much._

“NO.”

The whole group went silent and Caleb snapped out of his reverie. Fjord was gaping at them, stunned; Veth had the biggest shit-eating grin on her face, and Caduceus was smiling his same smile; Yasha was looking between them both in wonderment and Beau was just pointing at Jester.

“You aren’t. No you’re not. Jes, if this is one of your fucking pranks-“

“It’s not,” Jester giggled nervously. “It’s not, it’s true.”

The wave of noise and limbs was immediate as the Nein piled on them, shouting and shrieking.

“Oh my _gods, I’m so-“_

“When’s it coming?!”

“How long have you-“

“-didn’t even know you were-“

“Hey don’t squeeze her so tight!”

Caleb was scooped up into a big bear hug by Yasha and he couldn’t help but laugh with all the excitement bubbling up in his stomach and chest. As soon as the immediate yelling calmed down, Jester was letting Beau touch her little bump and Caduceus was casually pouring tea and cutting cake. The questions, of course, were endless, and Jester had to hold up a hand and call,

“One at a time!” It was starting to get overwhelming and Caleb was grateful. At the same time, he was at least in part overwhelmed by the amount of love was being showered over them - over _him_ \- by their little family. This was as much their joy as his and Jester’s. That filled him with gratitude.

“How long?”

“Twelve weeks,” Caleb told Beau.

“You kept this secret for twelve _weeks?”_ Yasha asked, incredulous. “I feel like I could never.”

“Well I didn’t know for half of it, so that made it easier,” Jester snorted.

“So is that why you were puking so much?” Beau asked. “I was kind of getting suspicious that _something_ was up.”

“Yeah, that’s why. The puking has mostly stopped by now, thank the _gods_.”

“I’m so glad I don’t have to keep it a _secret_ anymore,” Veth breathed out in a sigh of relief. “I didn’t think I’d last that much longer.”

“Are you hoping it’ll be a boy or a girl?” Fjord asked. “Is there a way to know? Like a spell or something?”

Jester and Caleb looked at each other. They hadn’t really talked about that part at all, but Caleb had imagined the baby as either a boy or a girl, in different daydreams. A part of his chest ached at the idea of raising a son, helping a little boy grow up into a man, a better one than he turned out to be.

“Well, I mean, speaking for me, I guess, I would be happy no matter what, but…I don’t know, I think it would be kind of nice to have a daughter,” Jester said, glancing nervously at Caleb. He smiled back encouragingly. Her words brought to mind an image he’d had for weeks now, of chasing around a spunky little girl with her mother’s zest for life. He could easily imagine holding a beautiful baby girl in his arms; different kinds of delight filled his heart when he thought of what it might be like to have a son or a daughter, but the powerful love was the same.

“I would like that,” Caleb added softly. “Or a boy. I don’t have a preference.”

“Yeah, obviously, Fjord,” Beau reprimanded sharply. “Why would they have a preference? You have to love your kid no matter what they are.” Caleb caught Beau’s eye and nodded, acknowledging the painful wound Beau still carried about being a daughter to a man who was expecting a son.

“So, not to…I mean, we can talk about this later, I guess, but, what happens now?” Veth asked, nervous. “Like…are you guys going to stop…you know, traveling and stuff?”

“Probably for a little while,” Jester said, lacing her fingers in Caleb’s to stop him nervously drumming them on the table. He squeezed her hand. “Especially when I can’t keep up anymore.”

“Well that’s the thing, Jes, should you even be doing this stuff now? Running all around the place with us, getting hit with spells and fucked up by monsters and shit?” Beau asked. Jester sighed and Caleb put an arm around her. This had been a tough series of conversations for them.

“Ah, we spoke about this,” Caleb said, “and if Jester wants to continue traveling, as long as she feels it’s a good idea, I will support her.” Beau raised an eyebrow at him.

“You guys aren’t worried about the risk?”

“Of course we are, Beau,” Jester said, weariness already creeping into her tone. “But I’m also not going to just sit here and wait while you guys do all the important shit on your own. I’m here to support the team. If I think a mission is too risky, Cayleb can always send me home.” Beau hummed in a way that, at least to Caleb’s ears, sounded like she accepted that answer only insofar as she didn’t want to get into an argument right now. He’d talk to her later.

“And once the baby comes, Jester will be out of commission for a short time anyway, while she recovers, and for as long as the baby can’t eat solid food,” Caleb interjected. “So it will be better if we aren’t stretching ourselves thin by holding her back before it’s needed. After that, she and I will take turns staying back, and if a job really needs us both, there’s always Marion.”

Typically, it was hard for Caleb to tell his friends to back off on something, and he usually at least gave them the courtesy of hearing them out, even if he didn’t agree. He’d found that it made group dynamics a bit smoother to at least pretend to consider others’ input. He’d noticed, though, that since Jester got pregnant, he hadn’t had much trouble at all putting the edge of steel on his words that shut down any argument from their friends. Priorities had radically reoriented, and the gap between how much he cared about Jester experiencing distress and how much he cared about anyone else’s feelings had widened substantially.

“Well, of course we’ll be here to help as much as possible,” Veth said. “Ooh, we have to throw you a shower!”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that, Veth,” Jester said quickly. “The only people who would come besides my Mama are in this room.”

“And so what, you don’t deserve a party?!” Veth cried. “With food and drinks and games and gifts? You’re making a person, you’re getting a party!”

“Something tells me you aren’t going to win this one, _Liebling_ ,” Caleb murmured with an amused smile.

“She isn’t,” Beau agreed. “We’re having a party. And what about like, all the stuff? Don’t you need a bunch of stuff to have a baby?”

“That’s what the shower is for, Beau,” Veth cut in, exasperated. “For people to give presents.”

“You don’t have to get us presents,” Caleb started, but Veth shook her head.

“ _You_ have terrible taste and we can’t let Jester manage it all on her own. You’re getting presents.”

The conversation was redirected to a passionate discussion among all the women about Jester’s plans for a nursery, which she had a tremendous number of opinions on. Caleb supposed that shouldn’t surprise him, though they hadn’t really talked about it. When Jester had first “moved in” to his room, she immediately redecorated, so it didn’t look like a “dungeon”, or a “room he decorated like he planned to kill himself in it.” It was probably for the best that she hadn’t asked his opinion on the issue of wall murals. Beau, Veth and Jester were in the middle of a conversation on exactly that, and Yasha came to sit down next to Caleb. He turned to look at her and wordlessly, she toasted with her teacup.

“Congratulations,” she said softly. “What a beautiful thing, to have a child with the one you love.” Caleb wasn’t the most socially astute, but he thought he saw a touch of sadness behind Yasha’s eyes. He gave her a small smile and laid his hand on her arm.

“It is,” he agreed.

His friendship with Yasha, even after all these years, was strange. They talked little, and touched less, but he felt that their spirits understood one another in a way he didn’t have with any other member of the Nein, not even Jester. Yasha knew what it was like to look at your own hands and see them covered in blood, to believe you didn’t even deserve to live, after the things you’d done. He felt seen by her, and she often knew how he was feeling without him having to explain it. He was thankful for her quiet presence.

That night, lying in bed next to Jester, who was already passed out - fatigue was one symptom that hadn’t abated yet - Caleb pulled out his journal.

_Liebste Limette,_

_It’s hard to believe you’re already three months old. The size of a lime, apparently, which seems very large considering your mother barely shows. What do I know?_

_What do I know, indeed._

_I find that's what is troubling me most in recent days. I will continue my reading, of course, and learn as much as I can so I can be ready, but I know I won’t be. Not really. I fear that in the moment, I’ll forget something crucial, or make a mistake. I know mistakes are inevitable, but that’s hard to accept when you’re so fragile, my little one._

_I know I’ve been attached to you since the day I learned about you, but having passed this benchmark, I feel like I can really get excited. I remember how it was for my parents…they lost several pregnancies, and I recall my father grieving and trying to support my mother at the same time. It was one of a handful of instances in which I recognized helplessness in him. I remember her, in bed for days, crying on and off. As horrible a thought as it is, I can’t help but feel the injustice that people so good should suffer such tragedy, and yet, how lucky I have been. I won’t waste the chance I’ve been given._

_I am too attached to the past. You and your mother are my future, that’s all that matters now._

_I find myself wondering often, daydreaming while I work or at night after your Mami has fallen asleep, what you’ll be like. You will be a beautiful tiefling, like your mother, and probably blue like her too. I wonder if I’ll be able to see myself in you. Perhaps you’ll be tall, or have red hair, or maybe smaller things, like the shape of your nose or the look of your hands. If you’re the spitting image of Mami, that’s just as well, she’s the far prettier of the two of us. And I wonder_ _who_ _you’ll be, if you’ll be a quiet, shy, curious child, like I was, or like your mother, loud and boisterous and a stunning artist. I have imagined myself reading stories to you, cleaning your skinned knees, teaching you to cast your first spells._

_(Perhaps you’ll hate reading, or be totally uninterested in magic, and as confusing as I’d find that, I’ll love you just the same. Please refer to your mother or your aunts Beau and Yasha, or truly anyone else, if you find your interests lie in sports, swordplay, martial arts or any physical recreation whatsoever.)_

_In just a few weeks, Caduceus says we’ll be able to listen to your heart. I can’t wait, little one._

_Mit libe,_

_Tati_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (With love, Dad)
> 
> Thanks for the support from everyone! Writing has been really hard lately, but the comments and feedback really help me. ❤️


	7. i'm still looking up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience! My writing has slowed significantly on both my WIPs in recent months, as I'm working my way through doctoral qualifying exams, but your encouragement makes it worth it!
> 
> TW: PTSD symptoms, discussions of mental illness (first 3 words of relevant paragraphs are bolded)

“You can let this one out, but I’m not sure it’ll look right when you take it back in,” Veth explained, pointing to the seam on the waist of the dress. “I would leave it be.” Jester huffed.

“But I love this dress!” It was one of her favorites, especially for when they were in town or at home. The blush and ivory floral pattern gave way to layers of petticoats, and the skirt still fit her, but the dress had a stiff boned front and wouldn’t give.

“That’s why I wouldn’t mess with it,” Veth said. “It’ll be there when you’re not pregnant anymore. When I was pregnant, I let out a few dresses that I loved and then they looked terrible when I took them back in after. What else you got?”

Jester sighed in defeat and handed over a simple pleated dress in Traveler green, with gold lacy embroidery on the skirt. Veth offered to help her pick out things to get tailored to accommodate her bump, as the only member of the Nein with both a fashion sense and sewing skills.

“This would work,” Veth said, turning the dress over in her hands. “The bust embroidery might get a little uneven but the seams are under the arms, so I don’t think you’ll notice.” Seeing Jester’s defeated expression at the pile of clothes she wouldn’t get to wear until after the baby was born, Veth smiled at her, encouraging.

“You know, this is also a good opportunity to go shopping…” Jester brightened immediately. She’d initially thought she could just have her existing clothes let out, and save money, and she was disappointed that some of her clothes would be out of commission for months, but _new_ clothes always eased the sting of a disappointment, didn’t they?

“I mean, if you think we should go shopping, then I agree, we should definitely go shopping.”

“Make it a girls’ trip?” Veth asked, hopping down off her bed.

“For sure,” Jester agreed. “I’m gonna go get my money.”

While Veth scampered off, calling for Yasha and Beau, Jester went to go find Caleb. He was in the library, copying some worn spells onto fresh paper. When she entered, he looked up and smiled.

“Hiiii,” Jester sang, draping her arms over his shoulders and kissing the top of his head. “Veth and I are going out shopping, just wanted to let you know.”

“Okay, _Schatz_ , enjoy. I thought you were going to have your things tailored, though?”

A bit of guilt nipped at Jester’s heels. _I’m being vain…I should be saving our money._ The excitement of new clothes deflated as quickly as it appeared, and she suddenly felt like crying. Fiercely committed to _not_ doing that, she clenched her jaw. It wasn’t like it was that big of a deal…but it had been hard for her, lately, feeling pretty, now that she was definitely visibly pregnant and feeling frumpier by the day. That was especially true when she had to jury-rig a closure or layer clothes to cover gaps where something didn’t fit right. When Veth suggested shopping, she was excited by the idea of finding clothes that made her feel beautiful again.

“I asked Veth about that, and she said a lot of my dresses can’t be, because it would mess up the designs and stuff. I mean, that’s okay, right?” She chewed her lip. Caleb furrowed his brow and glanced up at her.

“ _Was? Ja_ , of course it is, you don’t need my permission to buy yourself clothes, Jester.”

“Well, I just mean like, we should be saving money, right? Should I just try to make do with what I have? I mean that’s what I’ve been doing…” She flipped down the waistband of her skirt, showing him the leather strip she’d used to extend the closure.

“Sure, we ought to be saving money, but if you need clothes, you should buy some clothes. You can’t go around naked.” Caleb reached up and squeezed her hand absentmindedly, quill still scratching against the paper.

“Okay…” Detecting the hesitation in her voice, Caleb put his quill down and looked up at her.

“What’s wrong, Jester?”

“I just feel like I’m being irresponsible!” she blurted out, throwing her hands up.

“By clothing yourself?” Caleb asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Well, no, it’s more like…I _could_ just get the things I have tailored and if the embroidery is a little messed up after, that’s not the end of the world, you know? I feel like I’m just being, I don’t know, selfish. Or vain, because I don’t feel good about myself right now, and so I want some new clothes that will make me feel better, and that’s not a good use of our money, because it would be cheaper to just…you know.” Caleb stared at her for a long moment.

“Are you asking me to tell you that it’s alright to spend our money on maternity clothing?”

“Kind of?” Jester wrung her hands and frowned.

“Then I’m telling you that it’s alright to spend our money on maternity clothing.” Caleb opened a desk drawer and dug out a small coin purse. “Here. Take some of _my_ money. I’ll buy you some clothes as a gift, _ja?_ Get something that makes you feel beautiful. _”_

“Cay-leb,” Jester sighed. “No, I’m being stupid, there’s no reason to give me a gift-“

“The reason is that I love you, and you’re carrying my child, and I don’t want you to feel bad about yourself because your clothes don’t fit. Of course you can use our money, but have a bit of mine too, and don’t feel guilty about spending it, because I’m giving it to you.”

“I love you too,” Jester mumbled, leaning in for a kiss.

“You know I think you’re just as gorgeous as ever, right?” Caleb asked as he stroked her hair. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were having to do all that with your clothes. I should’ve asked sooner, if you needed to go shopping. I didn't think of it.”

“Sorry for being all emotional about it,” she murmured, leaning into the touch. She felt embarrassed now, getting worked up over such a small thing. “It’s just hard to feel good about myself when I’m wearing all these clothes that won’t let me forget, hey, remember you used to be smaller! You’re sooooo much bigger than you were before!”

“You don’t need to apologize for that,” Caleb said. He put an arm around her waist and pulled her in for a kiss; this time he lingered, giving her a playful nip on the bottom lip before nuzzling against her ear. “And if it’s hard for you to remember just how sexy you are, I’d be happy to remind you later…” Jester giggled as he hummed happily, kissing her neck, and reached around to squeeze her ass.

“The girls are waiting for me,” she laughed, pushing his hands away gently. “If I don’t stop you now they’ll be waiting another hour.”

“Let them…”

“Cayleb!” He grinned and pressed the coin pouch into her hand.

“Go, have fun. I love you.” Jester blew him a kiss as she left the library, a brighter spring in her step than she had before.

Jester needed that shopping trip more than she realized. Just going out with Veth, Beau and Yasha, laughing with her friends, getting some exercise and fresh air, lifted her spirits tremendously. Veth’s crude stories about being so constipated when she was pregnant with Luc that she would sit on the toilet and immediately burst into frustrated tears made Jester feel a little better about her own weird relationship with her body these days. Not only was it doing lots of things she didn’t fully understand - every day seemed like a fun new surprise - she was amazed how fast it was changing. At first, that had been a cause for wonderment. Now, she was insecure and felt like a whale, even though she was only four months along and just getting to the point where strangers could tell she was pregnant.

Jester had never been so grateful for a friend like Veth. Veth understood every part of it, including the parts she didn’t want to talk to Caleb about, and made Jester feel a little more normal. Like her, Veth had dealt with feeling distinctly un-sexy as she grew.

“What helped you feel better?” Jester asked.

“Mostly being so horny all the time that I didn’t care if I wasn’t hot,” Veth replied. "And my husband wasn't exactly complaining that I couldn't get enough of him." Jester burst out laughing.

“Veth!”

“Is that a real thing?” Yasha asked. “I’ve heard too that the sex is better.”

“Oh, way better,” Veth said with a sage nod. Jester blushed fiercely and bit back an incriminating smile, avoiding her friends’ eyes.

“ _You_ don’t need to answer that, our floor is your ceiling,” Beau griped. Jester shrugged with a sheepish grin.

“Sorry.”

It _was_ true, at least so far; she was easy to turn on and easy to bring to orgasm before she was ever pregnant, and now, thanks to the hormones flooding her body, even more so. Even though Jester didn’t have the energy to follow through as often as she wanted to, she wanted her boyfriend first thing in the morning, before she went to sleep at night, in the afternoons, in the bath, in the library, and it didn’t help that he wanted her as much as ever, if not more. It wasn’t like she’d thought that Caleb would stop being attracted to her or something - although her insecurities did sometimes whisper those poisonous thoughts into her ear at night - but she expected he’d want her in spite of the changes, not because of them. Instead, as her hips thickened, her breasts and belly swelled, it all seemed to inspire _more_ desire in him. The undeniable delight Caleb took in exploring every inch of her new body made Jester feel incredibly sexy, at least when they were actually being intimate. It was the rest of the time that was a challenge.

Veth led them right to a tiny shop in the crowded downtown of Rosohna, and when Jester realized that everything in it was made to accommodate pregnancy, she could’ve cried. Beau, Veth and Yasha got right to work pulling things off racks to show to Jester, and she was amazed how good she looked in nearly everything she put on. The owner of the shop showed her how many of the dresses and blouses had decorative lacing in the front with a panel beneath, so she could let out the top as she grew. Skirts and dresses were high waisted and flowing, with similar sneaky panels, and featured decorative layers she could put in or take out to flatter her changing shape. Leggings with stretchy waistbands were worth their weight in gold, as far as Jester was concerned, and she bought lots of things that would hopefully carry her through the rest of her pregnancy. Her absolute favorite thing she bought, though, was a heather gray, lacy, layered dress with puff sleeves and a beautiful rose appliqué on the waistband. This one had more room under the waist than a standard dress, but fewer of the practical features that would enable her to wear it for the duration.

“Oh, that’s so pretty, Jes!” Yasha said softly, when she tried it on. Jester couldn’t stop smiling. She felt a little like her old self again.

“I know, but…” She bit her lip and looked in the mirror. _Get something that makes you feel beautiful._

Caleb would tell her to get it, she reminded herself as she carried her purchases to the counter, including the gray dress. _He said he wanted to get me a gift. Who cares if it’s not the most practical? The rest of it is totally practical._

Jester mused, as they moved on to the next shop, where Veth wanted to look at some clothes - Beau and Yasha poked around, but neither cared much for being fashionable - how funny it was that _she_ was so anxious about money and Caleb was the one telling her to treat herself. When they first met, Jester had just run out of most of her money, after buying matching dresses for her and two horses, and she watched Caleb stick his hands in a loaf of fresh bread rather than buy mittens. Thanks to their adventuring careers, every member of the Nein was quite financially comfortable now, and their roles had reversed. After a life of deprivation, Caleb wasn’t wasteful with money, but he didn’t hesitate to buy books or components or anything else he needed. He enjoyed being able to be generous with his friends, and especially with Jester. If he was out shopping and saw something he thought she’d like, he bought it for her, and it clearly made him happy to be able to do so. Jester was accustomed to being more impulsive with her spending habits, but the past four months had turned her into a proper cheapskate. She found out she was pregnant and suddenly the gold they had stashed away went from seeming like a respectable nest egg to an impossibly small, spare sum.

Jester knew how hard it was for her mother, when she was a child. She’d never really wanted for anything, consciously, but looking back, Jester viewed certain memories differently. She recognized the lean times when Marion went without so Jester could have, and she knew now that the handful of longtime clients who knew about Jester were largely responsible for her staying stocked with toys and art supplies. Her mother did her best, and Jester didn’t feel deprived, but she didn’t want to struggle like that. Of course, she didn’t want her kid to be spoiled either; one of the unfortunate side effects of her upbringing was that Jester really had no idea about the value of money when she went out into the world, and that could have led her into some far stickier situations than she liked to imagine. She definitely wanted their child to learn those skills.

But when Jester imagined her baby, lying in his cradle, she wanted fresh, soft sheets for him, warm, comfortable clothes, books and rattles and other toys. She’d learned so much in the past few months, from the books Caleb was reading, about how important it was for babies to have books read to them, and to have toys that helped them develop their muscles, and hand-eye coordination, and things like that. Caleb definitely fretted about those recommendations more than Jester did - she had to remind him on more than one occasion that neither of them had mirrors for baby toys, and they still learned to recognize their own faces - but she couldn’t say she was totally unconcerned. The difference was that Caleb worried that if they didn’t schedule and structure appropriately educational playtime, their baby wouldn’t develop properly, whereas Jester felt that as long as they spent time with him and gave him a variety of activities to engage with, he’d be just fine. Still, she and Caleb were in agreement that it was important to have books, and toys of all sorts, so their baby would be able to explore as he pleased.

Consequently, Jester worried more than she probably needed to about whether they’d have the money they needed to give their baby every opportunity to grow. As important as she knew it was to sometimes say no to children, she never wanted to be in a position where she _had_ to say no to her child. So suddenly, she was the one fussing and pinching coppers and agonizing over whether each and every purchase either one of them made was truly necessary. The Jester of five months ago wouldn’t have thought twice about buying new clothes if her old ones didn’t fit, or even if she was just bored of them. Jester now couldn’t imagine that, and that was partly why Caleb’s gift meant so much to her. As she gave Veth and Yasha feedback on the clothes they tried on, part of her mind was elsewhere, thinking about how she might thank him for it later.

~~~

“Are you excited?” Caleb asked, squeezing her hand. He hadn’t stopped smiling all morning. Jester nodded eagerly, but her stomach was twisted up in knots. What if they didn’t hear it? She knew it was irrational, to think there was something wrong, but the worry wouldn’t leave her. Jester had been waiting to feel something, some kind of movement, for two or three weeks, since that was when the books said she might start being able to. It wasn’t nearly time to worry yet - they also said she might not feel anything for a while, especially if her placenta was facing her spine, or because it was her first pregnancy and she didn’t know what to look for - but she was worrying anyway. Caleb was too. She knew the signs by now, how he couldn’t keep still; he puttered around the house trying to busy himself with other things, fidgeted and bounced around even when he was trying to sit and relax.

Caduceus came back from his errands not a moment too soon, and found Jester in the kitchen, wolfing down a mid-morning bowl of cold leftover rice.

“Hey, uh, sorry to interrupt your snack. I’m ready when you two are.” She swallowed thickly, and nodded, forcing the rest of her bite down a dry throat.

Caduceus had set up a small area on the roof, well-lit thanks to Melora’s tree, where Jester could lay down to get examined. He’d put out a soft mat and pillows, and created a cozy, relaxed space that she was grateful for, considering how her nerves went haywire every time Caduceus checked her out. Every time, she got a clean bill of health, and every time, she went in convinced that this time she wouldn’t.

Jester took the teacup offered to her by Caduceus and sat down cross-legged on the mat to wait. Caleb took a cup too, and absentmindedly put it down right away as he paced around the roof, impatient and anxious.

“Now, I’ll be honest I haven’t used one of these on my own,” Caduceus began; he held out a conical wooden instrument with a circular cap on the end. “My mother walked me through it when I asked her, but it’s a bit of a trial and error thing. So if we don’t hear it right away, don’t panic. We may not hear it at all, if I can’t get the position right. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong.”

He looked pointedly at Caleb, who had finally perched on a tree root next to Jester, but hadn’t stopped tapping his foot on the floor, making his cup rattle in the saucer. Caleb nodded nervously and stopped bouncing. Jester settled onto her back and reached up to take his hand.

“Have you felt any movement?” Caduceus asked. She lifted her shirt over her stomach and his warm hands started to gently palpate the round of it. Jester shook her head.

“Not that I can tell.”

“Where do you think she is?” Jester hummed and splayed her hand over her left side.

“I’m not sure, but I feel like maybe over here?”

“Alright, let’s start there then.” Caduceus continued to press around her stomach and chose a spot to place the wide end of the cone. She winced a little at the pressure, but it didn’t hurt; if it had, she probably wouldn’t have noticed, given how dizzy with anticipation she was as Caduceus bent his head down to the other end.

“Breathe,” he murmured softly. Jester hadn’t realized she’d been holding it. Caduceus hummed thoughtfully and reached for her hand. Wordlessly, her friend held two fingers against her wrist.

“Hmm…no, this is you.”

Jester tried to regulate her breathing, in and out, though it was noticeably harder as panic swelled in her chest. She knew something wasn’t right, she knew it, she knew it…

“Breathe.” Jester glanced up at Caleb and wished she hadn’t. Her hand was gripping his so tightly his fingers were white, and his brow was deeply furrowed, watching Caduceus like a hawk. His foot bounced faster than before, like he could shake his nerves out that way.

“Just relax,” Caduceus advised. His tone was gentle, not admonishing. “It takes a bit of practice to find it. You’ve got to be very close to the back and so we might not even hear it today. I promise, that doesn’t mean anything is wrong.”

“I know, I know,” Jester breathed. _In and out. You’re okay._

Caduceus kept his fingers on her wrist and tried another spot. Again, nothing. Jester closed her eyes and tried to ignore what was happening below her neck as her breath became more labored. If she pretended not to know, she wouldn’t feel disappointment when he silently picked up the horn and moved to another patch of skin. _Okay. We’re not going to hear it today. It’s fine. The placenta’s in the way. He’s not close enough to the abdominal wall. It’s still early. Caduceus doesn’t know how to use this thing, maybe he won’t be able to hear it yet. Everything is fine. I’d know if something was wrong._

“Found it.”

“Really?!” Jester cried, and relief flooded her. Those words were music to her ears. Caduceus put a finger to his lips and nodded, listening intently. Jester looked up at Caleb with a giddy grin and he smiled back at her, squeezing her hand.

“Yep. That’s it. Want to listen?” Caduceus gestured for Caleb to kneel down next to Jester.

“Ah, do I just…?”

“Just press it in slightly, and then put your ear right up to it. You’re listening for a sound kind of like hummingbird wings. It's fast and quiet.”

Caduceus was smiling too, excitement obvious even on his usually placid expression. _She's perfect_ , he mouthed to Jester, and she could cry with happiness. Caleb stared off past her shoulder as he listened hard, and she knew the moment he heard it, because a huge smile lit up his face. The roof was silent, but for the blood rushing in her ears and the sound of their breaths. Caleb closed his eyes and listened for a long moment, lacing his fingers in hers. When he finally picked his head up, he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and bent down to kiss Jester.

“I wish you could hear it, Jester,” he whispered, clutching her hand to his chest. “I wish you could hear it. It’s the most beautiful sound.”

Jester was a little misty-eyed herself, with relief, with excitement and love. She desperately wanted to hear it too. She supposed, though, that she got lots of things Caleb didn’t; she got to carry their baby around inside her for almost a year, she’d get to feel his kicks and tumbles and hiccups. They shared something that he didn’t get to be part of. When she thought of it like that, it felt more fair that he got something she didn’t get to have, a little part of getting to know their child in a way she wouldn’t before he arrived.

Caduceus gave them privacy, frittering around in his workshop area while they sat against Melora’s tree, marveling quietly. _How lucky I am_ , Jester thought. _How lucky I really am._

“I wanted to ask you about something,” Caduceus rumbled, when they finally stood to go back downstairs. “It’s entirely up to you, I just wanted to offer it. A few weeks ago, when you made the announcement, Fjord asked if there was a spell you could do to find out the sex of the baby. I got to thinking…I _could_ find out. With a spell, I mean. If you want to.” Jester immediately looked to Caleb, who immediately looked to her.

“Do you want to?” she murmured. Caleb chewed his lower lip.

“Ah…I don’t feel the need, if you don’t. If you want to, we can.” Ooh, she really did want to... The temptation was overwhelming. But if Caleb didn’t want to…

“I don’t feel the need either,” Jester lied, and shook her head, turning to Caduceus. “Thank you, Caduceus, if we change our minds we’ll tell you.”

Her Mama had said she knew she was having a girl, just by intuition, but Jester really had no idea. Her imaginings about what they might look like or be like didn’t change much whether she was thinking of a boy or girl, but she still wanted to know. The baby wasn’t giving her intuition any hints whatsoever, or rather, wasn’t giving her any consistent hints. She went back and forth in her head, calling the baby “he” or “she”, based on what she thought that day. _Maybe it’s twins._ Gods, wouldn’t that be a grand cosmic joke? Twins for two only children. She felt pretty confident she was having _one_ baby, but…you never knew.

Three days later, after a rowdy night out with the Nein, dancing and drinking - for everyone else - and games, Jester let her new gray dress pool on the floor as she unlaced it, and didn’t even bother putting on her nightgown before falling into bed in just her slip. Caleb flopped down on the bed next to her, snuggling up and resting his head on her chest. Jester giggled and wrapped her arms around him, and kissed the top of his head.

“I love you so much,” he mumbled against the soft skin of her breast. “You looked so beautiful tonight.”

“That’s the dress you bought me,” she told him, running her fingers through his hair. “So I’m glad you like it.”

“Mmmm, I like it a _lot_ ,” Caleb murmured, stretching up to press tipsy, flirtatious kisses to her neck. “I especially like how good these looked in it.” He fondled her breast and Jester giggled again, squirming under the touch that felt so good, but she was so tired…

“Talking dirty to me when there’s a kid right here?” Jester teased. “You’re going to traumatize him.”

“I think we’ve more than passed that point,” Caleb chuckled, but he took the hint and stopped his playful nipping at her collarbone.

“I mean, also he can’t hear us,” Jester added.

“He can, actually,” Caleb said, drawing his fingers in nonsense patterns over her stomach. “I was reading today that he’ll start recognizing our voices soon, if he doesn’t already.”

“Really?” Jester asked softly. “You should talk to him.” Caleb was silent for a long few moments.

“I don’t know what I would say.”

“Anything you want. He won’t remember. You don’t have to. Or do it in Zemnian, if you don’t want me to hear.”

“…I feel bad that I don’t know what to say. Shouldn’t I know what to say?”

“Don’t overthink it, baby,” Jester encouraged. “Just whatever is in your head. It’s okay. I talk to him all the time when I’m alone, and I didn’t think he could hear me.”

Caleb shifted from the top of the bed where he lay with Jester to rest his head on his arm, level with her belly. Jester lay back and closed her eyes, carding her fingers through his hair. His palm rested on the crest of her stomach, near where Caduceus found the heartbeat a few days prior. The room was silent, long enough that Jester started to drift off a little.

“Hello, little one.” Caleb’s voice was so soft she could barely hear it; though his lips were nearly brushing her skin, she doubted the baby would be able to hear either. She hoped he would.

“I don’t know if you know my voice yet.” Caleb paused, stroking her belly. “I got to hear your heartbeat a few days ago. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”

That’s when she felt it; a tiny flutter, like a tickle on the inside of her tummy, a totally alien sensation. Jester’s hand shot out and grabbed Caleb’s shoulder and he started.

_“Was?”_

“He’s moving,” she hissed, like if the baby knew she noticed he’d stop. “He’s moving!” Jester put her hand over the spot where she’d felt it; Caleb pressed his palm where she showed him, but he shook his head.

“I don’t feel anything.” Another bubble.

“I think he hears your voice,” she said. “Keep talking to him!”

Caleb’s thoughts started to come in drips and drabs, and Jester couldn’t stop smiling to herself. She only felt the flutter one more time, but she was convinced it wasn’t coincidental. She was sure the baby was responding to his daddy’s voice, even if he didn’t know what he was hearing.

“I’m very excited to be your Tati, _Kleiner…_ I think I must be the luckiest man in the world, to get to have you _and_ your mother. There’s a lot of people out here who can’t wait to meet you. You have aunties and uncles and, ah, a cousin, even, and your grandmother, and your mother and I, we are all counting down the days until we can hold you. You are doing a good job, growing so fast… Don’t rush, but when you’re ready…we can’t wait for you to come. Your mother and I already love you so much.” Caleb was so quiet for so long that Jester started to think maybe he fell asleep. Then she heard his voice again, felt his whisper on her skin more than she heard it,

_“Ich war noch nie Vater, aber ich verspreche, dass ich mein Bestes geben werde.”_

Caleb pressed a kiss to her stomach and shifted back up to kiss her.

“Is that the first time you’ve felt it?”

“Yeah,” Jester replied. “At least that I was sure was him, you know?”

“Wow.” Jester turned onto her side and propped her head up with her hand.

“Does Tati mean dad?” Caleb took her other hand and kissed her knuckles, humming in assent.

“ _Ja.”_

“Is that what you want your dad name to be? Like for the baby to call you?” The more she rolled the word around in her mouth, the better it felt. It felt right for _Caleb_. Caleb was silent for a moment.

“ _Ja,_ I think so,” he finally said. “It’s what I called my father. Which is…complicated.”

“It suits you, though,” Jester murmured. “I was thinking about this a few weeks ago…I couldn’t think of one that felt right for you, you know?” Caleb nodded.

 **“I just…I** don’t know.” He turned over onto his back, and Jester recognized that look, the brooding dark that cast shadows on his brow, less and less these days, but they still came from time to time and she knew they’d never totally cease.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Jester asked softly. “Do you want to talk about it?” He sighed and wiped a hand over his face.

“It doesn’t feel right for me to take that name. That was his, and I betrayed him. How can I call myself the same thing? But he was such a good father… I want to be reminded, to live up to his example. As much as someone like me can.”

 **Jester wormed her** way over to him silently and draped an arm and a leg over him, nestling her head into his chest. She knew by now that reassuring him with words didn’t help. The noxious veil that held his brain in thrall when these moods overtook him filtered the things she said and twisted them. _I know you’re a good man_ meant _you’ve manipulated me so well._ All the evidence she could point to, of all the good things he’d done, the lives he’d saved - including hers, more than once - became _you think you can replace them, a life for a life?_ Jester knew she could probably guess verbatim the things that were going through his head.

_**How could you** dare to call yourself after a much better man than you’ll ever be? What would he say, if he could see you now? He’d be disgusted. You’re not going to be half the father he was. The best thing you could’ve done for this child would be not to have made him in the first place. Your selfishness causes suffering. No matter what she says. She doesn’t know you like I know you._

Jester placed his arm over her shoulders and fell asleep in that loving embrace, her firm belly resting against his side in a quiet, gentle refutation of the venom his mind was sinking further and further into.

In the morning, Jester let Caleb sleep. He’d tossed and turned a lot of the night, when he finally fell asleep - she passed out so quickly, she had no idea how long that took - and reached for her journal.

_Hi,_

_I got to feel you move last night! That was totally bizarre but also so cool. I hope you’re having a lot of fun in there. I think if I was in a big sac of warm water I’d be having a pretty good time. Did you hear your dad’s voice? I hope you recognize it. You’ll be hearing a lot of it. Probably saying things like don’t touch that, did your mother give you that cupcake, how do you know how to draw dicks already? (Just kidding about that last one) (probably)_

_I know I said to your dad that I talk to you a lot when we’re alone, and I do, but there’s some stuff on my mind that I don’t really want to say if you can hear me, you know? You don’t need to have all this weight on your shoulders when you’re not even the size of a cucumber yet. (That’s next week, the book says)._

_I worry about him. I know he thinks he’s not going to be a good dad. I’m worried too about what kind of feelings might come up when you actually get here. Caleb will be thrilled, we both will be, when you arrive, but I think we both know he’ll be a little sad too, that his parents can’t meet you. He’s never forgiven himself, for what he did. I don’t know if you ever could, you know? But he’s moved on, at least, he realized he has to take what’s left of his life and make something of it._

_Fuck, that sounds so morbid. I didn’t mean it to._

_I just mean that he’s done a really good job accepting that it happened and he can’t forget it, but he can’t live in it either. Personally, I think he doesn’t let himself forget it a little too much. It’s like a punishment. But still, if you knew how he was when I met him… This is better. Much better._

_Still, sometimes he gets stuck there. Last night he got stuck there, when he was saying he wants to be called Tati, because that’s what he called his dad. He doesn’t think he has the right to use that name, and he didn’t say it, but I know it’s because he thinks his parents would hate him. I wish I could tell him that I don’t think his parents would hate him. I mean, I don’t think I could ever hate_ _you_ _, even if you did something so terrible. I’ve said it before, to him, that I think they would just be sad, not angry with_ _him_ _, but when he gets like this he doesn’t believe anything I say. So I don’t say anything, usually, I just hold him and let him know how much I love him that way instead._

_I’m worried about you, too._

_I could never say this to your father, it would devastate him, but…_

_**I lived with** a parent who wasn’t all well, emotionally, I mean. My Mama had panic attacks and nightmares and fits. She’s afraid of something tangible at least, the outside, something that can be avoided, although her avoidance wasn’t so good for me either. Caleb can’t outrun his guilt. Gods know he tried. It’ll be with him forever, he’ll always have these episodes every once in a while. Seeing my Mama like that was really hard for me, and it had an impact on me that I don’t want for you._

_**I feel horrible** even writing that. I’m not saying your dad is “broken” or something, or that he won’t be a good dad, because I think he will. It just also makes me sad that no matter how hard both of us will try to hide it from you, when he gets in these spells, eventually you’ll see it. I never want you to feel the way I felt, seeing my Mama break down. Helpless, unprotected._

_I couldn’t protect her from her fears, and I can’t protect Caleb, and deep down I know I can’t protect you either. All I wanted as a kid was to hold her and let her know it was okay, and take her fear away. I tried as hard as I could, and I tried it with your dad too, and it breaks my heart that as much as I love them, it isn’t enough to wipe all that away. With you, I feel that times a million. I haven’t even met you but I want to hold you so close and stop anything bad from ever happening to you. It hurts me so bad that I can’t stand it, knowing that that’s impossible._

_At least when that happens, you’ll have me. I can hold the ship together by myself if I have to. Caleb will be a good father. The good will outweigh the bad. I hope._

_Love,_

_Mama_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I've never been a father before, but I promise I'm going to do my best."


End file.
